Putting in a good word for guiltThere are two attitudes toward the sense of guilt: one is to eliminate it in order to live comfortably, which is usually advocated by most psychologists to maintain so-called mental health; 對于“內疚”感，人們有兩種不同的態度。一種就是減少“內疚”感，為的是活得舒服。這是心理學家提倡的做法，用來維持所謂的心理健康。The other is to keep it, so that our behavior can be modified under the influence of conscience. 另一種態度是保持“內疚”感，以便我們的行為在道德良心的驅使下能有所改良。The author analyzes the nature and function of guilt in the deepest level and thinks that this worst emotion actually helps bring out the best in us, while, on the contrary, the lack of guilt is to be questioned. 作者鞭辟入里地分析了“內疚”感的本質及作用，她認為這種讓人感到最不舒服的情感實際上能使人向善。而相反，理應受到質疑的應該是這種“內疚”感的缺失。1 Feeling guilty is nothing to feel guilty about. 不必因為有“內疚”感而感到“內疚”。Yes, guilt can be the excess baggage that keeps us paralyzed unless we dump it. 是的，“內疚”感會使我們背負過多的包袱。除非我們摔掉包袱，否則我們難以前行。But it can also be the engine that fuels us. 但它也能成為我們動力的來源。 Yes, it can be a self-punishing activity, but it can also be conscience that keeps us civilized. 沒錯，它會成為一種自我譴責行為，但它也能變成一種道德良心，使我們不再野蠻愚昧。2 Not too long ago I wrote a story about that amusing couple Guilt and the Working Mother.就在前不久，我寫過一篇故事，講的是內疚和工作型母親這對搭檔的事。Ill tell you more about that later. 我下面還會補充一些。Through the mail someone sent me a gift coffee mug carrying the message I gave up guilt for Lent. 有人寄給我一個禮品咖啡杯，杯上寫著：因為大齋節，我放棄了內疚感。3 My first reaction was to giggle. (看到這些字)我的第一反應就是覺得好笑。But then it occurred to me that this particular Lent has been too lengthy. 但隨后我又意識到眼下這個齋節持續時間太長了。 For the past decade or more, the pop psychologists who use book jackets rather than couches all were busy telling us that I am okay, you are okay and whatever we do is okay. 在過去十年或更長的時間里，大眾心理學工作者都忙著通過書籍的封面套紙廣告語，而非心理診所的談話，告訴大家說：我好，你好，大家做什么都好。4 In most of their books, guilt was given a bad name - or rather, an assortment of bad names. 在心理學工作者所出的大多數書中，內疚感被冠以惡名-甚至就是惡名的總稱。 It was a (1) Puritan, (2) Jewish or (3) Catholic hangover from our (1) parents, (2) culture or (3) religion. 它是清教，猶太教或者天主教的遺物，經由我們的父母，文化或宗教傳給我們。To be truly liberated was to be free of guilt about being rich, powerful, number one, bad to your mother, thoughtless, late, a smoker, or about cheating on your spouse. 要想真正灑脫，就得消除內疚感，無論是有錢、有勢、有名，或是對母親不敬、不體諒別人，還是遲到、吸煙、有婚外情。5 There was a popular notion, in fact, that self-love began by slaying ones guilt. 事實上，以前就有個流行的看法，認為愛自己就得先消除內疚感。People all around us spent a great portion of the last decade trying to tune out guilt instead of decoding its message and learning what it was trying to tell us. 在過去十年的大部分時間中，我們周圍的人們一直在遮蔽內疚感，而不是去理解內疚的含義并領悟內疚感正設法提醒我們什么。 6 With that sort of success, guilt was ripe for revival. 有了那種(消除內疚感的)成功后，內疚感復活的機會也就成熟了。Somewhere along the Im-okay-youre-okay way, many of us realized that, in fact, I am not always okay and neither are you. 沿著我好你好的路走著，但在某種程度上我們許多人都意識到，事實上，我并非一直都好，你也一樣。 Furthermore, we did not want to join the legions who conquered their guilt en route to new depths of narcissistic rottenness. 此外，我們也不想加入到這樣一大批人中去：他們通過更深層次的自戀式墮落克服了自己的內疚感。 7 At the deepest, most devastating level, guilt is the criminal in us that longs to be caught. 從最深遠、最徹底的層面上來說，內疚感是我們內心中一個一直期望被抓獲的罪犯。It is the horrible, pit-of-the-stomach sense of having done wrong. 這是那種可怕的、堵在胸口、做了錯事的感覺。It is, as Lady Macbeth obsessively knew, the spot that no one else may see.and we cant see around. 正如麥克白夫人心頭縈繞不去的感受，內疚感就是那個別人看不到的污漬而且我們還不能引頸四顧。 8 To be without guilt is to be without a conscience. 沒有內疚感就等于沒有良知。 Guilt-free people dont feel bad when they cause pain to others, and so they go on guilt-freely causing more pain. 沒有內疚感的人給他人帶來痛苦時不會感到難受，因此他們就心安理得地繼續給別人添加更多的痛苦。The last thing we need more of is less conscience. 我們最不能多要的東西就是良知的缺失。 9 Freud once said, As regards conscience, God has done an uneven and careless piece of work, for a large majority of men have brought along with them only a modest amount of it, or scarcely enough to be worth mentioning. 弗洛伊德曾說過：就良知的分配而言，上帝做的既不公平也不認真。因為大多數人生來良知就不算多，甚至簡直少的不值一提。 10 Now, I am not suggesting that we all sign up for a new guilt trip. 此刻，我并不是在建議我們大家都去報名參加新一輪的內疚感知之旅。But there has to be some line between the accusation that we all should feel guilty for, say, poverty or racism and the assertion that the oppressed have chosen their lot in life. 然而，下面兩種論斷還是有些差別的：其中一種認為我們所有人都該為諸如貧困或種族主義感到內疚；另一種則斷言受壓迫者都是命中注定。 11 There has to be something between Puritanism and hedonism.在清教徒主義和享樂主義這兩個極端之間肯定還有一個更好的主義。There has to be something between the parents who guilt-trip their children across every stage of life and those who offer no guidance, no-gulp-moral or ethical point of view.同樣，有的父母在孩子各個成長階段都教導他們時刻要感到內疚，而另一個極端是，有的父母壓根就不給孩子一丁點道德倫理指導，在這兩者之間肯定還有更適當的做法。 12 At quite regular intervals, for example, my daughter looks up at me in the midst of a discussion (she would call it a lecture) and says: Youre making me feel guilty.比方說，我跟女兒談心時(她稱之為訓話)，她過一會兒就會抬起頭來說：你讓我心里不好受。 For a long time this made me, in turn, feel guilty.她這話反過來弄得我心里好長時間頗為不好受。But now I realize that I am doing precisely what I am supposed to be doing: instilling in her a sense of right and wrong so that she will feel uncomfortable if she behaves in hurtful ways.然而如今我意識到我的做法沒有錯：那就是給她灌輸一種是非觀，這樣萬一她以后傷害了誰就會良心不安。 13 This is, of course, a very tricky business.當然，這事說起來容易做起來難。Guilt is ultimately the way we judge ourselves.內疚是評價自我的終極方式。It is the part of us that says, I deserve to be punished.它是我們心中的聲音，對自己說：我應受罰。 But we all know people who feel guilty just for being alive.不過我們也知道有些人單單因為活著就感覺自己犯了罪似的。We know people who are paralyzed by irrational guilt.還有些人因不著邊際的內疚感而惶惶不可終日。And we certainly dont want to be among them, or to shepherd our children into their flock.我們肯定不愿意成為他們中的一員，也不愿自己的后代步他們的后塵。 14 But it seems to me that the trick isnt to become flaccidly nonjudgemental, but to figure out whether we are being fair judges of ourselves.然而我又感到解決問題的訣竅并不是要懦弱地對任何事都不敢評判，而是要看看我們評價自我時是否公正。Karl Menninger once wrote that one aim of psychiatric treatment isnt to get rid of guilt but to get peoples guilt feelings attached to the right things.卡爾門寧格曾寫過，心理治療的目的不在于清除內疚感，而是要把人們的內疚感和正確的事情聯系在一起。 15 In his book Feelings, Willard Gaylin quotes a Reverend Tillotsons definition of guilt as nothing else but trouble arising in our mind from our consciousness of having done contrary to what we are verily persuaded was our Duty.威拉德蓋林在情感一書中引用了牧師蒂洛森對內疚感的定義：意識到做了有悖于我們職責的事后內心產生的不安。 16 We may, however, have wildly different senses of duty.當然，人們對職責可以有五花八門的認識。I had lunch with two friends a month ago when they both started talking about feeling guilty for neglecting their mothers.我一個月前和兩個朋友共進午餐，她們倆談起自己對母親關心不夠，于心不安。One, it turned out, worried that she didnt call home every day; the other hadnt even chatted with her mother since Christmas.結果，一個擔心的是沒能天天給家里打電話，另一個自打圣誕節就不曾跟她母親聊過天。 17 We are also particularly vulnerable to feelings of duty in a time of change. 在這個瞬息萬變的時代，我們特別容易體會到各種責任感。Today an older and ingrained sense of what we should do may conflict with a new one.該做什么、不該做什么，今天根深蒂固的老觀念就可能和一個新觀念相沖突。In the gaps that open between what we once were taught, and what we now believe, grows a rich crop of guilt.過去所受的教育和今天的認識之間有很大差距，由此也生出各種內疚感。 18 Mothers now often tell me that they feel guilty if they are working and guilty if they arent.有的母親時常對我說，她們工作心里過意不去，不工作心里照樣過意不去。One set of older expectations, to be a perfect milk-and-cookies supermom, conflicts with another, to be an independent woman or an economic helpmate.過去人們認為完美的超級母親就是要給孩子喂好奶，會做可口的餅干;而相反，現在的標準則是要做獨立的女性或者經濟上的好幫手。 19 But duty has its uses.但是責任感也有其用處。It sets us down at the typewriter, hustles us to the job on a morning when everything has gone wrong, pushes us toward the crying baby at 3 A.M.是責任感逼迫我們坐到打字機前，是責任感催促我們在一個諸事不順的早上去工作，臨晨3點孩子哭了也是責任感讓我們起床看孩子。 20 If guilt is a struggle between our acceptance of shoulds and should-nots, it is a powerful and intensely human one.如果說責任感是我們的內心斗爭，在什么該做、什么不該做之間進行艱難選擇，那么這個斗爭是強大的、充滿人性的。Gaylin writes, Guilt represents the noblest and most painful of struggles. It is between us and ourselves. 蓋林寫道：內疚感代表最崇高、最痛苦的斗爭。這是我們與自我的斗爭。 It is better to struggle with ourselves than give up on ourselves.與自我斗爭總比放棄自我好。 21 This worst emotion, in a sense, helps bring out the best in us.從某種意義上講，這種最糟糕的情感有助于引發人性最美好的一面。The desire to avoid feeling guilty makes us avoid the worst sort of behavior.為避免內疚于心，我們就不去做最差勁的事。The early guilt of a child, who has hurt a younger sister or brother, even when no one else knows, is a message.如果一個孩子傷害了妹妹或弟弟，哪怕沒人知道，他幼小的心靈也會滋生內疚，這就是一個很好的例子。The adult who has inflicted pain on an innocent, who has cheated, lied, stolen, to get ahead of another - each of us has a list -wakes up in the middle of the night and remembers it.有的成年人給無辜的人造成痛苦，他們為了超過別人而行騙、撒謊、偷竊（我們每個人心里都有一筆自己的帳），可半夜醒來這些還歷歷在目。 22 In that sense guilt is the great civilizer, the internal commandment that helps us choose to be kind to each other rather than to join in a stampede of me-firsts.從這個意義上說，內疚感是人類文明的偉大促進者，它是人類內心的戒律，促使我們選擇與人為善，而不去與那些老子先來的自私自利者擠成一團你爭我搶。If guilt is coming back, said Harvard Professor David Riesman, who wrote The Lonely Crowd, one reason is that a tremendous surge of young people overpowered the adults in the sixties.如果說人們心中的內疚感復蘇了，曾著孤獨的人群哈佛大學教授戴維里斯曼說，原因之一是60年代猛增的年輕人勢頭壓過了成年人。You might say the barbarians took Rome.你可以說成野蠻人占領了羅馬。Now there are more adults around who are trying to restore some stability.而如今成年人更多了，他們正試圖恢復穩定的局面。 23 Guilt is the adult in each of us, the parent, the one who upholds the standards.內疚感是我們心中的成年人，是父母，是堅持標準的人。It is the internal guide against which we argue in vain that everybody else is doing it.它是我們內心的向導，雖然我們常常跟它爭辯其他人都這么干，但是結果總是徒勞的。 24 We even wrestle with ethical dilemmas and conflicts of conscience so that we can live with ourselves more comfortably.我們甚至與倫理困境和內心沖突做斗爭，為求個心安理得。I know two people who were faced with a crisis about their infidelities.我認識兩個女人，她們因不忠于婚姻而面臨危機。One woman resolved the triangle she was in by ending her marriage.其中一個離了婚，結束了三角關系。The other ended her affair.另外一個終止了婚外戀。In both cases, it was the pain that had motivated them to change.兩種情況下都是痛苦促成她們改變。 25 It is not easy to attach our guilt to the right things.把內疚感和正確的事聯系在一起并非易事。It is never easy to separate right from wrong, rational guilt from neurotic guilt.明辨是非，分清理智的和神經質的內疚感向來很難。We may resolve one by changing our view of it and another by changing our behavior.要想解決問題我們要么改換看法，要么改變行動。 26 In my own life as a working mother, I have done both half a dozen times.我曾是個上班的母親，兩種解決問題的方法我都試過好幾次。When my daughter was small and I was working, I worried that I was not following the pattern of the good mother, my mother.女兒年紀小，然而我又要上班，我就擔心自己沒有像我媽媽那樣當個合格的母親。Only through time and perspective and reality did I change that view; I realized that my daughter clearly did not feel neglected and I clearly was not uncaring.時間一久，視野開闊了，通過現實我這才改變觀點；我意識到女兒顯然沒有遭遇冷落的感覺，我也絕非漠不關心的媽媽。Good child care, love, luck and support helped me to resolve my early guilt feelings.悉心照料、愛意、機會和支持幫助我化解了早些時候的內疚之情。 27 Then again, last winter I found myself out of town more than I was comfortable with.去年冬天有一陣，我到外地的次數比往日多了，心里有些不安。This time I changed my schedule instead of my mind.這次我沒有改變看法，而是改變了行程。 28 For all of us, in the dozens of daily decisions we make, guilt is one of the many proper motivations.就我們大多數人而言，每天要面臨十幾個決定。而內疚感是眾多端正動機之一。I am not saying our lives are ru