S05E06

Sowhatkindofcruise

isthisyou'regoingon?

It'scalledtheBornAgainBoatRide.

ChristianQuarterlygave

ittheirhighestrating--

fivethornycrowns.

Idowishyou'dcomewithme,Sheldon.

Well,Mom,ifIdid,itwouldbeconclusive

proofthatyourGodcanworkmiracles.

You'remissingout.

It'sgonnabewall-to-wall

fun.It'sallthemed.

There'sJonahandtheWhaleWatching.

All-you-can-eat

LastSupperBuffet.

Andmypersonal

favorite,GunningwithGod.

What'sGunningwithGod?

I'mafraidtoask.

Oh,itisahootandahalf.

Youwriteyoursinsonaclay

pigeon,theyfire'emupintheair,

andyoupulverizethemwitha12-gauge

shotgunfullofourLord'sforgiveness.

Frankly,Mom,I'mencouragedtosee

howadvancedyourgrouphasbecome--

willingtosailoutintotheocean

withoutfearoffallingofftheedge.

Forexample,ifShellywasaboard,he'd

write,"Smartmouth"onhispigeon,

andthenbam!

TheLordgivethand

theLordblowethaway.

Well,Mom,accordingtomyitineraryforour

weekendtogether,thefunbeginswithfriedchicken.

Soundsdelicious.

Good,'causeIgotyou

everythingyouneedtomakeit.

Youareinforatreat.

Mymother'sfriedchickeniswhywehad

tobuymydadtheextralargecoffin.

Sheldon,shejustgotofftheplane.

Shedoesn'twanttocook.

Ofcourseshedoes.

Makingmefoodisherway

ofsaying"Iloveyou""

Makingmefoodwhenshe'stootiredtocook

isherwayofsaying"Ireallyloveyou."

Actually,Iwouldn'tmind

goingoutforabite,Sheldon.

Won'tthatspoilourappetitesfor

thechickenyou'regoingtomakeme?

Allright,thatsettles

it,we'regoingout.

Doyoulikesushi?There'sagreat

littleplacedownthestreet.

I'veneverhadit,butthere's

noharmintryingsomethingnew.

There'salotofharm

intryingsomethingnew.

That'swhywetestoutdrugs

andcosmeticsonbunnyrabbits.

Sheldon,you'retalking

likeacrazyperson.

Actually,Ihadhimtestedasachild.

-Doctorsayshe'sfine.

-Toldyou.

Although,Idoregretnotfollowing

upwiththatspecialistinHouston.

Irasshaimase!

Stopyelling!

I'mnothappyaboutthis.

What'sthelastthing

youwereeverhappyabout?

Theprospectoffriedchicken.

Thisisexciting.

Backhome,thedineron

RouteFourservessushi,

butit'sjustcutupfish

sticksandasideofUncleBen's.

Theyputitonthemenuinthosekung

fuletters,butthatdon'tmakeitsushi.

Uh,kungfulettersmight

notbepoliticallycorrect.

Oh,Ithoughttheonewe

couldn'tsaywas"chingchong""

Yeah,yeah,that,too.

So,Shelly,what'supwithyouandyourfriend

Amy,ifyoudon'tmindamotherpryingabit?

Well,there'sactually

bignewsontheAmyfront.

She'sbeenstudyingtheneurobiology

ofaddictioninloweranimals.

She'sthisclosetogetting

astarfishhookedoncocaine.

Doyouhaveanyideawhat's

goingonwiththosetwo?

It'skindofliketheLochNessmonster.

Maybethere'ssomething

there,maybethereisn't.

We'llprobablyneverknow.

Butsometimesit'sfuntocreep

yourselfoutthinkingaboutit.

Howareyoudoingon

theyoungladyfront?

Ihearyou'reinsomesort

ofalongdistancesituation?

Yeah,it'sRaj'ssister.

It'skindoftough.She'sinIndia.

Also,herparentsaren'thappy

she'sdatingsomeonewhite.

Oh,that'safunnyturn,isn'tit?

Youneverthinkabout

itgoingtheotherway.

Well,youcan'tforcethings.

Youneedtofigureoutifyou'reina

relationshiporifyou'rejustcallingitone.

It'sliketheysay--acatcanhavekittens

intheovenbutthatdon'tmake'embiscuits.

Andthatremindsmeofanothersaying.

YoucanleadachickentoCrisco,but

youcan'tmakeyourmotherfryit.

Sheldon,youpestermeone

moretimeaboutchicken,

Iwillputyouovermyknee

righthereinthisrestaurant.

Pleasepesterher.Please,forme.

So,Mrs.Cooper,whatdid

youthinkofthesushi?

Itwasgood.

Theonlythingthatwouldhave

madeitbetterisifitwascooked

andifitwasbeef.

Sheldon,whenisyourlandlord

goingtofixtheelevator?

Idon'tknow.

Latelywe'vebeentalkingabout

convertingitintoamissilesilo.

Yoursonseemstothinkweneedto

launchapreemptivestrikeonBurbank.

Getthembeforetheygetus.

Hey,lookwhodecidedtoshowup.

Raj,whatareyoudoing?

Icouldn'tfindyouguys

soIboughtsixnewfriends.

Three,sadly,aredead.

Mom,yourememberRajesh?

Rajesh,mymother.

Ofcourse.Mrs.Cooper.So

nicetoseeyouagain.

Well,it'ssonicetoseeyou,too.

IthoughtitwasourIndiansthat

hadtheoccasionalalcoholproblem.

Wedon'tsaythat,either.

I'llmakeyoualist.

Oh,thatwouldbemightywhiteofyou.

So,Raj,whatpainareyou

tryingtocoverupwithalcohol?

Nothing,I'mfine.

-Areya?

-No.

That'sbetter.Nowtell

mewhat'sbotheringyou.

I'msolonely.

Oh,yes,bornalone,diealone.

It'satragichumancondition.

Now,Raj,ifyou'llexcusemy

mother,she'sabouttomakeapecanpie

that'llbesogoodI'llalmostforget

howsheblewitwiththefriedchicken.

Sheldon,yourfriendishurtin'.

Whatdowedowhensomeone'shurtin'?

Offerthemahotbeverage.

Andwhenthey'redrunkasa

skunk,whatbeveragedoweoffer?

Coffee.

Andwhatdowedoitwith?

Nowyoulistentome.

Iknowyoufeellikeyoucan'tfind

someone,butthere'salockforeverykey.

Backhome,there'sagirl

worksattheWal-Mart.

Tall,tallgirl.

Womancouldhuntgeesewitharake.

Thoughtshe'dneverfindaman,

thenoneday,wouldn'tyaknow,Harlem

Globetrotterscometotown.

Longstoryshort,todaythatwomantravelsthe

worldwithasemi-professionalbasketballplayer

andtwobeautifulmixed-racebabies.

Ididn'tgetalotofthat

becauseofyouraccent,

butthegeneraltonewassoothing

andsomehowIfeelbetter.

I'mnotgoingtogetmypecanpie,amI?

YouwantsomeOreos?

-DoubleStuf?-

No,regular.-

Nice.Kickamanwhenhe'sdown.

I'mgladwe'refinallygettingtodo

somethingtogether,justthetwoofus.

Sure.Onethingyoureallymiss

whenyou'reonvacationislaundry.

Careful,you'reusingtoomuchDowny.

Youknowifmyclothesget

toosoftitmakesmesleepy.

Well,thistakesmeback.

Medoingyourlaundry,you

nexttomecriticizing.

Itisnice,isn'tit?

-Mrs.Cooper.Hi!

-Oh,hello,darlin'.

Sheldon,youdidn'ttell

meyourmomwascoming.

Itwasinmyweeklye-mailblast.

Rightbetween"Beet

seasonisfinallyhere"and

"Uh-oh,redstoolfrombeets

leadstocancerscare."

-So,how'veyoubeen?

-Good,good.

IhearthatLeonard

hasanewgirlfriend.

Howareyoudoingwithallthat?

Oh,fine.Youknow,it'sbeenawhile.

I'mgettingbackoutthere.

Letmeaskyou,whenyougetback

outthere,areyouwearingthis?

Well,it'ssupercuteon.

Thattophaspaidforitselfinfree

drinksliketentimeswhatitcost.

Yes,Pennyhasalotofhermoney

tiedupinpromiscuityfutures.

157

00:09:04,837-->00:09:09,317

Hon,youthinkmaybethereasonwhyyou'rehaving

troublefindingaguytosettledownwithisbecauseyou'relettingthemridethe

rollercoasterwithoutbuyingaticket?

Oh,theydon'talwaysget

toridetherollercoaster.

Sometimestheyonly

gettospintheteacups.

NowI'mgoingouttonight.

Woulditbecrazytoaskyouto

lookattheoutfitI'mgoingtowear?

Oh,notcrazyatall.

Anddon'tbeatyourselfup.

WhenIwasyourage,youcouldhavemeforacarrideandabottleofstrawberrywine.

Thatwillnotbein

thisweek'se-mailblast.

So,thisspring,Igettogoto

theInternationalSpaceStation.

Oh,myword,atriptotheheavens.

Ifyoueverwanttolivethere

eternally,I'vegotagoodbookyoucouldread.

Thanks,butIwatchtheCharlieBrown

Christmasspecialeveryyear,soIgetthegist.

-Ibetyourmomisreallyproudofyou.

-Nope.

ShesaysifIdon'tbackoutshe's

goingtogoonahungerstrike.

Itwouldtakeyearsbeforeshe'd

beinanykindofdanger,butstill.

I'vegotatreatforustomorrow,Mom.

I'mtakingyoutoseeSaulPerlmuttergivealecture

abouthisNobelPrize-winningworkincosmology.

Andthebestpartis,at

theQandAafterward,

I'veworkedupacoupleof"Q's"

thatwillstumphissorry"A."

Idon'tknow,Shelly.

Ithoughtwecoulddo

alittlesightseeing.

Whatsightisbetterthanyourlittle

boyembarrassingaNobellaureate?

Comeon,Sheldon,we'lltakeyourmomtoseethe

Hollywoodsign,thewaxmuseum,theWalkofFame.

Ooh,maybealittleRodeoDrive.

Well,Ican'tspend$12,000onahandbag,

butit'sfreetolookuponthose

whodowithrighteouscondemnation.

Whatdoyousay?

WhatdoIsay?

Isayyoupeopleneedtostopruining

mymom'svisitwithyoursushi,

andyoursadnessandyoursluttyshirts.

Stopit.

He'snottalkingaboutyour

shirt.Yourshirtisfine.

Thesearedelicious.

Thetricktopancakesisbacongrease.

Icookeverythinginit.

Everything?

Aren'tyouworriedaboutyourhealth?

Oh,doctorsarealways

changingtheirmind.

Oneweekbacongreaseisbadforyou.

Thenextweekwe'renot

gettingenoughofit.

Goodmorning,Shelly.

Mom,Iwanttoapologize

formybehaviorlastnight.

-Apologyaccepted.

-Great.

Now,you'regoingtolove

thePerlmutterlecture.

Look,hewillbestatingthatthe

universeisolderthan6,000years,

butIthoughtyoucouldstickyourfingersinyour

earsandhum"AmazingGrace"duringthoseparts.

Iamstillgoingoutwithyourfriends.

ButIapologized.

Andthatwashardformebecause

Ididn'tdoanythingwrong.

Shelly,Ihungoutwithyouinenoughdusty

lecturehallswhileyouweregrowingup.

Iwanttogosightseeing.

Sowhydon'tyouhavesome

pancakes,getdressedandcomewithus.

I'mnotgoing,andyoucan'tmakeme.

You'reright,Ican't.Haveaniceday.

Well,I'mgoingtostandhere

untilyouchangeyourmind.

Well,thenyouaregoing

tostandthereallday.

I'mjustgonnatakemybacon

greaseandslideoverthere.

Ican'tbelievemyown

motherisabandoningme.

Iamnotabandoningyou.

Sheldon,abandoningyouisleaving

youinabasketonachurchdoorstep.

IamgoingtoHollywoodandthankawax

RonaldReaganforhisservicetoourcountry.

Weappeartobeatacrossroads

inourrelationship,Mother.

Well,Iguessweare.

Sorry.Syrup.

Allright,Mom.

Whenyou'reattheRipley's

BelieveItOrNotMuseum,

iftheyhaveanexhibitaboutamother

whothrewawayachancetospendthedaywiththeworld'smostwonderful

son,believeit,becauseit'strue.

Ihadn't...

Thatlecturewasawasteoftime.

Imademoreaccuratediagramsoftheexpansion

oftheearlyuniverseonthenurserywall

withthecontentsofmydiaper.

Areyougettingsick?

No,I'mjustallergictopeoplewho

getNobelPrizesfornogoodreason.

Sheldon,isitpossible

thatyourfoulmood--

or,tousetheclinical

term,bitchiness--

isbecauseyourmother

isn'tmakingyouapriority?

No.Ortousethe

clinicalterm,"nuh-uh""

Areyousure?

Theinfant-motherpair-bondisthe

buildingblockofprimatepsychology.

Oh,thereitis.

Italwayscomesback

tomonkeyswithyou.

Justmonkeys,monkeys,monkeys.

Sheldon,we'reallanimals.

Andgranted,thereareaspects

ofyouthatareextraordinary,

butwhenitcomestoemotionsand

relationships,you'rejustlikeeverybodyelse.

Areyoutryingtosuggest

thatmyemotionalproblems

arenodifferentthan

thoseofastupidperson?

Actually,someresearchindicates

thatbynotoverthinking,

thelessintelligent

handleemotionsbetter.

Sureyou'renotcomingdownwithacold?

Oh,yes,thecommoncold.

Justlikeeveryoneelse.You'd

lovethat,wouldn'tyou?

Oh,thisone'ssweet.

Youknow,foryourrosaryrattlers.

Mrs.Cooper,wesay"Catholics""

not"rosaryrattlers."

Mygoodness,it'sawonderyou

peopleinCaliforniacantalkatall.

Thisisliketheworst

Hollywoodtourever.

Whatarewegonnado?She

wantedtoseechurches.

Hey,theyhavewinehere,don'tthey?

Noneofourgodshaveabslikethat.

Yep,that'sthelast

Jewwhodidsit-ups.

Andlookwhereitgothim.

Hey,whilewe'rehere,why

don'twealldosomepraying?

Let'sputalittle

churchinthischurch.

-Oh,I'mnotsureweshould...

-It'seasy.I'llshowyouhow.

Lord,MaryCooperhere.

ComingtoyoufromGomorrah,California.

Iwanttothankyouforthe

blessingthatismylittleShelly.

Ialsowanttothankyouforthecontinued

strengthnottocoldcockhimwithmyBible.

Allright,Penny,yourturn.

Okay,um...

Hey,God.What'sup?

Um,I'mgood,but,uh,itwouldbeabighelptomyfamily

ifyoucouldgetmybrothertostopcookingmeth.

Butnocops.Becool.

Shealsogoesalittleoverboard

onthe"lovethyneighbor."

Couldprobablyusethatchat

youhadwithMaryMagdalene.

Leonard,you'reup.ssman,oueoneck.

OkayIdon'tknow.

it'sprobablyalittlelate

toaskyoutomakemetaller.

Oh,um...ycouldhelpt

withmeandmygirlfriend.

She'salltheway

inndia.Thatwouldbegreat.

Hearthat?Girltrouble.

Turnsoutwewereboth

wrongonthatfront.

Howaboutyou?

Oh,me?

-No.Thanks,I'mgood.

I'mreallyjusttrng

nottoburstintoflames.

Rajesh?

Hesayshe'shavingtrouble

droppingthoselastfivepounds.

Huh,Imighthavegonewith

thetalking-to-girlsthing.

No,youonlygetonewish.

Lookatthetwoofus.

Me,ahighlyregardedphysicist.

Thekindofmindthatcomesalong

once,maybetwiceinageneration.

You,thecommonman,tiredfrom

yourlaborsasastockbroker,

orvacuumcleanersalesman,orbootblack.

Butdeepdowninside...

apparentlywe'rejusttwopeasinapod.

Aregularpea,

andthekindofpeathatcomesalong

once,maybetwiceinageneration.

Rain.

Anothergreatequalizer.

Fallingontheheadofthe

brilliantandtheunremarkablealike.

Smarty-pants.

Oh,Mrs.Cooper,itsmellssogood.

Youtakenotes,darlin'.

Therealwaytogetamaniswith

meltedcheeseandcreamofmushroomsoup.

He'lldieat50but

hislovewillbetrue.

Ineeda