UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

UnclesJosh'sPunkin

CentreStories

ByCalStewart

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

Preface

TotheReader.

Theoneparticularobjectinwritingthisbookistofurnishyouwithan

occasionallaugh,andthewriterwithanoccasionaldollar.Ifyougetthe

laughyouhaveyourequivalent,andthewriterhashis.

InUncleJoshWeathersbyyouhaveapurelyimaginarycharacter,yet

onetruetolife.Acharacterchuckfullofsunshineandruralsimplicity.

Takehimasyoufindhim,andinhisexperiencesyouwillobservethereis

abrightsidetoeverything.

SincerelyYoursCalStewart

LifeSketchofAuthor

THEauthorwasborninVirginia,onalittlepatchofland,sopoorwe

hadtofertilizeittomakebrick.Ourfamily,whilehavingcasttheir

fortuneswiththeSouth,wasnotafamilyruinedbythewar;wedidnot

haveanythingwhenthewarcommenced,andsoweheldourown.I

securedacommonschooleducation,andattheageoftwelveIlefthome,

orratherhomeleftme—thingsjustpeteredout.Iwasslushcookonan

OhioRiverPacket;checkclerkinastaveandheadingcampintheknobs

ofTennessee,VirginiaandGeorgia;IhelpedlaythetrackoftheM.K.&

T.R.R.,andwaschambermaidinaliverystable.Mademyfirst

appearanceonthestageattheNationalTheatreinCincinnati,Ohio,and

havesincethenchoppedcordwood,workedinacoalmine,madecross

ties(andwalkedthem),workedonafarm,taughtadistrictschool(made

lovetothebiggirls),runathreshingmachine,cutbands,fedthemachine

andrantheengine.Havebeenafreightandpassengerbrakeman,firedand

ranalocomotive;alsoafreighttrainconductorandcheckclerkinafreight

house;workedonthesection;havebeenashotgunmessengerforthe

Wells,FargoCompany.Havebeenwithacircus,minstrels,farcecomedy,

burlesqueanddramaticproductions;havebeenwithgoodshows,bad

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UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

shows,medicineshows,andworse,andsomeshowswherewehad

landlordssinginginthechorus.Haveplayedvarietyhousesandvaudeville

houses;havesleptinaboxcaronenight,andaswellhotelthenext;have

beenatravelingsalesman(couldspinasmanyyarnsasanyofthem).For

thepastfouryearshavemadetheUncleJoshstoriesforthetalking

machine.TheLordonlyknowswhatnext!

3

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

MyOldYallerAlmanac

Hangin'ontheKitchenWallI'Msortoffondofreadin'onethingand

another,SoI'vereadpromiscuslikewhatevercummyway,Andmanya

friendlyargument'scumup'tweenmeandmother,'BoutthingsthatI'dbe

readin'settin'roundarainyday.Sometimesitjistseemedtometharwa'nt

noendofbooks,Somemadeferusefulreadin'andsomejistmadefer

looks;ButofallthedifferentbooksI'veread,thar'snonecomesupatall

ToMyOldYallerAlmanac,Hangin'ontheKitchenWall.I'vealwaysliked

amusement,ofthegoodandwholesomekind,It'sbetterthanadoctor,and

itelevatesthemind;So,oftenofanevening,whenthefarmchoresall

weredone,I'djointhegamestheboyswouldplay,goshhowIlikedthe

fun;Andoncetharwuzaminstreltroop,theyshowedatourTownHall,A

jollylotoffellers,'bouttwentyof'emall.

WallIwentdowntosee'em,buttheirjokes,Iknowed'emall,Read

'eminMyOldYallerAlmanac,Hangin'ontheKitchenWall.Tharwuz

EzraHoskins,DeaconBrownandalotofusoldcodgers,Usedtomeet

downatthegrocerystore,whatwuzkeptbyJasonRogers.

Therewe'dsetandargufymosteverymarketday,Chawin'tobacker

andwhittlin'stickstopassthetimeaway;Andmanyaknottyproblemhas

putusonourmettle,Whichwefeltitwuzourdutytodulysolveandsettle;

Thenaftertheyhadsaidtheirsay,whothoughttheyknoweditall,I'dfloor

'emwithsomefactsI'dgotFromMyOldYallerAlmanac,Hangin'onthe

KitchenWall.

Itbeatsaregularcyclopedium,thatoldfashionedyellerbook,And

manyapleasanthourinreadin'itI'vetook;SomehowI'venevertiredof

lookin'throughitspages,Seein'ofthedifferentthingsthat'shappenedin

allages.OnetimeIwuzelectedaJusticeofthePeace,Tomakeoutlegal

documents,amortgageoralease,Themtricksthatlawyershave,youbetI

knowedthemall,LearnedtheminMyOldYallerAlmanac,Hangin'onthe

KitchenWall.

SonowI'vebintoNewYork,andallyoursightsI'veseen,Is'posethat

toyoucityfolksImustlookmostawfulgreen,Geewhiz*whatlotsoffun

4

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

I'vehadasIwalkedroundthetown,Havin'BuncoSteerersaskmeifI

wasn'tMr.HiramBrown.

I'verodeonallyourtrollolycars,andhungontothestraps,Whenwe

flewaroundthecorners,satonotherpeoples'laps,Hav'nthadnotrouble,

notabitatall,ReadaboutyourcityinMyOldYallerAlmanac,Hangin'

ontheKitchenWall.

UncleJoshWeathersby'sArrivalinNewYorkWALL,feralongtimeI

hadmymindmadeupthatI'dcumdowntoNewYork,andsoashorttime

ago,asIhadmycropsallgatheredinandproducesoldIcalculatedashow

itwouldbeagoodtimetocomedownhere.FolksathomesaidI'dbe

buncoedorhavemypocketspickedforeI'dbinheremor'nhalfanhour;

wall,Ifooled'emalittlebit,Iwuzherethreedaysaforetheybuncoedme.

Isposeashowthereareagoodmanyofthemtharbuncofellersaround

NewYork,butItellyouthemtharstreetkeerconductorstakemighty

goodcareonyou.Iwuzridin'alonginoneofthemkeers,hadmypockit

bookrightinmyhand,Ialowednofellerwouldpickmypockitsandgitit

longasIhaditinmyhand,anditshetuptightasabarrelwhenthecider's

workin'.Wallthatconductorfellerhejestkepthiseyeonme,andevery

littlebithe'dputhisheadinthedoorandsay"holdfast."ButI'm

transgressin'fromwhatIstartedtotellye.Iwuzridin'alonginoneof

themsleepin'keerscornin'here,andalonginthenightsometimeIfelta

fellerrummagin'aroundundermybed,andIlookedoutjestintimetosee

himgoin'awaywithmyboots,wallIknowedthewaythattrainwuza

runnin'hecouldn'tgitoffwiththemwithoutbreakin'hisdurnedneck,but

inabouthalfanhourhebrotthemback,guesstheydidn'tfithim.WallI

wuzsortofgladhetookemcausehehedemallshinedupslicker'nanew

tinwhistle.WallwhenIgotupinthemomin'mytrubblescommenced.I

wuzsocroudeduplike,durnedifIcouldgitmyclotheson,andwhenI

didgitemondurnedifmypantswa'ntonhindsideafore,andmysocks

gotalltangledupinthatlittlefishnetalongsideofthebedandIcouldn't

gitemout,andIlostabrannewcollarbuttonthatItradedSiPettingilla

huskin'pegfer,andIgotmyrightbootonmyleftfootandtheleftoneon

therightfoot,andIwuzsodurnedbadlymixedupIdidn'tknowwhich

waythetrainwuzarunnin',andIbumpedmyheadontheroofofthebed

5

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

overme,andthensotdownrightsuddinliketothinkitoverwhensome

fellercumalongandsteppedrightsquaronmybunionandIletoutawar

whoopyoucouldaheerdoverinthenextcounty.Wall,alongcumthat

durnedporterandtoldmeIwuzawakin'upeverybodyinthekeer.ThenI

startedintohuntfermycollarbutton,causeIsotarightsmartstoreby

thatbutton,tharwarnsanotheronelikeitinPunkinCentre,andIthought

itwouldbekindofdoubtfulifthey'dhaveanylikeitinNewYork,wallI

seeonestuckrightinthewallsoItriedtogititoutwithmyjackknife,

whenalongcamethatdurnedblackjumpin'jackdressedinsoldierclothes

andastmewhatIwanted,andItoldhimIdidn'twantanythingperticler,

thenhetoldmetoquitringin'thebell,guesshewuzalittlecrazy,Ididn't

seenobell.Wall,finallyIgotmyclothesonandwentintoaroomwhar

theyhadarowoflittletroughstowashin,andfastasIcouldpumpwater

inthedurnedthingitrunoutofalittleholeinthebottomofthetroughso

Ijesthadtograbahandfulandthenpumpsomemore.Wallafterthat

thingswentalongpurtywellferarightsmartwhile,thenIetasnackout

ofmycarpetbagandfeltpurtygood.Wallthattraingottorunnin'slower

andslower'tillitstoppedateveryhouseandwhenitcumtoadouble

houseitstoppedtwice.IhedmyticketinmyhatandIputmyheadoutof

thewindowtolookatsuthin'whenthewindblewmyhatoffandIlostthe

durnedoldticket,walltheconductormademebuyanotherone.Ihedto

buytwoticketstorideonce,butIfooledhim,hedon'tknowadurned

thingaboutitandwhenhefindsitouthe'sgointobethemaddest

conductoronthatrailroad,IgotaroundtripticketandIain'tagoin'back

onhisdurnedoldroad.WhenIgotofftheferryboatdownhereI

commencedtothinkIwuzaboutthebestlookin'oldfellerwhatevercum

toNewYork,tharwuzalotoffellersdowntharwithbuggiesand

kerridgesandonethingandanother,andjesttheminnittheyseenmethey

allcommencedtoholler—handsome—handsome.Ididn'tknowIwuzso

durnedgoodlookin'.Onefellertriedtogitmycarpetbagandanothertried

togitmyumbreller,andIjesttold'emtostandbackordurnedifI

wouldn'ttakeawrestleoutofoneortwoofthem,thenIaskedoneof'em

ifhecouldhaulmeuptotheSturtevessanthotel,andbygoshInever

heeredafellerstutterlikethatfellerdidinallmylife,hesaidye-ye-ye-yes

6

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

sir,andIsaidwallhowmuchairyouagoin'tochargeme,andhesaidf-f-

f-fif-fif-fiftyc-c-cents,andIsedwallIguessI'llridewithyou,butdon't

stoptotalkaboutitanymorecauseI'dkinderliketogitthar.Wallwe

startedoutandwhenwestoppedwewuzawayupattheotherendofthe

townwhartharwarn'tmanyhouses,andIsedtohim,thishereain'tthe

Sturtevessanthotel,andhesedn-n-n-non-s-s-n-nosir,Isedwhydidn't

youletmeoutatthehotellikeItoldye,andhesed,b-b-b-bec-c-cb-b-be

causeIc-c-c-c-couldn'ts-s-s-sayw-w-w-whoaq-q-q-q-quickenough.

WallIhedagreattimewiththatfeller,butIgothereatlast.

UncleJoshinSociety

WALL,Idid'ntsupposewhenIcumdownheretoNewYorkthatI

wuzagointofloprightintothemiddleofhightonedsociety,butIguess

that'sjistaboutwhatIdone.YouseeIhadanoldfriendalivin'downhere

namedHenryHiggins,andIwantedtoseeHenrymightybad.Henryand

me,wewuzboystogetherdownhomeatPunkinCentre,andIhadn'tseen

himinalongtime.Wall,Igotafellertolookuphisnameinthecity

almanac,andheshowedmewharHenrylived,awayuponastreetcalled

avenuefive.WallwhenIseenHenry'shouseitjistabouttookmybreath

away,Iwuzthatclarsotback.Henry'shouseisagooddealbigger'nthe

courthouseatPunkinCentre.WallatfirstIdidn'tknowwhethertogoin

ornot,butfinallyImusteredupmycourage,andIwentupandrangsome

newfangleddoorbell,whenafellerwithkneebritchesoncumoutand

wantedtoknowwhoitwuzIwantedtosee.GoshIcouldn'tsayanything

feraboutaminnit,thatfellerjistlookedtomelikeapicterI'dseenina

storybook.WallfinallyItoldhimIwantedtoseeHenryHiggins,ifitwuz

thesameHenryIusedtoknowdownhomeatPunkinCentre.WallIguess

Henryhemustaheeredmetalkin',causehejistcumoutandgrabbedme

bybothhandsandsed,"whyJoshWeathersby,howdoyoudo,cumright

in."Wallhetookmeintothehouseandintroducedmetomorewimmin

folksthanIeverseenbeforeinallmylifeatonetime.Iguesstheywere

havin'somekindofsocietydoinsatHenry'shouse,oneoldladysedtome,

"mydearMr.Weathersby,Iamsopleasedtomeetyou,I'veheeredMr.

Higginsspeakaboutyousooften."Wallbychowder,Igottoblushin'soit

7

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

cumprettynearsettin'myhaironfire,butIsed,wallnowI'mrightgladto

knowyou,youkind-erputmeinmindofoldNancySmithdownhum,and

Nancy,she'sbintryin'togitmarriedpastfortyseasonsthatIkin

rememberon.WallHenrytookmeoffintoaroombymyself,andwhenI

gotonmystoreclothesandmynewcalfskinboots,ItellyouIlooked

aboutasscrimptiousasanyofthem.Walltheyhadadance,Ithinkthey

calleditacowtillion,andthatwuzwharIwuzrighttohum,Ijisthopped

outonthefloor,balancedtopartners,swungonthecorners,andcutup

morecapersthananyyoungfellerthar,itjistlookedasifalltheladies

wantedtodancewithme.OneladywantedtoknowifIdancedthe

german,butItoldherIonlydancedinEnglish.

Wallafterthatwehadsomethingtoeatinthedinin'room,andIhadn't

anymore'ngotsotdownandgottoeatinrightgood,whenthatdurnfool

withthekneebritchesoninsultedme,hehandedmealittlewashbowl

withatowelroundit,andItoldhimheneedn'tcastanyinsinuationsatme,

causeIwashedmyhandsaforeIcumin.Ifithadn'tabininHenry'shouse

I'dtookawrestleoutofhim.Walltheyhadalotoffurrindishes,sumthin

whattheycalledbeefallovermud,andanotherwhattheycalleda-

charlotterussia-alittleshavin'mugmadeoutofcakeandfullofsweetened

lather,wallthatwasmightygoodeatin',thoughittookalotofthem,they

wasn'tveryfillin'.Thentheyhandedmesomethin'whattheycalledice

cream,lookedtomelikeahunkofcasteelsoap,wallIstuckmyforkinit

andtriedtobiteit,anditslippedoffandgotinsidemyvest,andinless

thanaminnitIwuzfrozefrommychintomytoes.IguessIcutacaperat

Henry'shouse.

UncleJoshinaChineseLaundry

IS'POSEIgottangleduptheotherdaywiththedogondestlookin'

critterIcalculateIeverseeninallmyborndays,andI'vebinaroundpurty

considerable.I'dseenallsortsofcooriosotiesandmonstrositiesincirkuses

andmeenagerys,butthatwuzthefusttimeI'deverseenacritterwithhis

headandtailonthesameend.YouseeIsedtoafeller,nowwharabouts

inNewYorkdoyoufolksgityourwashin'done;whenIlefthumtocome

downhereIlowedIhadenuffwithmetodome,butI'vestayedherea

littlelongerthanIcalculatedto,andifIdon'tgitsomewashin'donepurty

8

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

soon,I'llhavetogoandjumpintheriver.

Wallhewuzabliginsortofafeller,andhetoldmetharwuzaplace

roundthecornerwharafellerdoneallthewashin',soIwentround,and

therewasasineonthewinderwhatsedHopQuick,orHopSoon,orjump

upandhop,orsomeotherkindofadurnedhop;andthentharwuzalotof

figersonthewinderthatIcouldn'tmakeheadnortailon;itjistlookedto

melikeachickenwithmudonitsfeethadwalkedoverthatwinder.

WallIwentintoseeboutgittin'mywashin'done,andgoshallspruce

gum,tharwasoneofthempigtailedheathenChineeze,hejistlookedfer

alltheworldlikeapicteronAuntNancySmith'steacups.Iwuzsortof

sotbackferaminnit,coz'Isedtomyself—Idon'tsposethisdurnedcritter

cantalkEnglish;butseein'ashowI'minhere,Imightaswellfindout.So

ItoldhimI'dliketogithimtodosomewashin'ferme,andhe

commencedatalkin'someoutlandishlingo,soundedtomelikecider

runnin'outofajug,somethin'like-ungtongoowongfangkaimoiooung

we,vellygoodwashee.WallIunderstoodthelastofitandjisttookhis

wordfertherest,soIgivhimmyclothesandhegivmealittleyeller

ticketthathepaintedwithabrushwhathehad,andI'lljistbetayokeof

steersaginthehollerinalog,thatnolivin'mortalmancouldreadthat

ticket;itlookedlikeaflyhadfellintotheinkbottleandthencrawledover

thepaper.WallIshowedittoagentlemanwhatwasastandin'tharwhenI

cumout,andIsedtohim—mister,whatinthunderisthisherething,and

hesed"Wallsirthat'sasortofaloteryticket;everytimeyouleaveyour

clothesthartohavethemwashedyougitoneofthemtickets,andthenyou

haveachancetodrawaprizeofsomekind."SoIsed—wallnowIwantto

know,howmuchistheblamedthingwuth,andhesed"Isposeboutten

cents,"andItoldhimifhewantedmychantsfortencentshecouldhavit,

Ididn'twanttogettangledupinanyloterygamblin'biznesswiththat

saucerfacedscamp.Sohegivmetencentsandhetooktheticket,andina

coupleofdaysIwentroundtogitmywashin',andthatpigtailedheathen

hewouldn'tletmehevem,cozI'dlostthatloteryticket.SoIsed—now

lookhereMr.HopSoon,ifyoudon'thoproundandgitmemycollarsand

ciffsandotherclotheswhatIlefthere,I'llbedurnedifIdon'tflopyouin

aboutaminnit,Iwillbychowder.Wallthatcritterhecommencedhoppin

9

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

aroundandatalkinfaster'nabuzzsawcouldturn,andallIcouldmake

outwuz—meesonglaytangmoomeoolayungyongwosaymeetickee.

WallIseenjistasplainascouldbethathewuzatryin'toswindleme

outenmyclothes,soImadeagrabferhim,andinless'naminnitwewuz

arollin'roundonthefloor;fustIwuzontop,andthenMr.HopSoonwuz

ontop,andyoucouldn'thavtoldwhichoneofusthepigtailbelongedto.

Weupsetthestoveandkickedoutthewinder,andIsotMr.HopSoonin

thewashtub,andwhenIgotoutoftharIhadsomebody'swashin'inone

handandaboutfiveyardsofthatpigtailintother,andMr.HopSoon,he

wuzstandin'tharyellin'—ungwamooyesongkileyungnoysongoowe

pelecee,pelecee,pelecee.Ihadquiteatimewiththatheathencritter.

UncleJoshinaMuseum

WHENIwuzinNewYorkonedayIwuzawalkin'alongdownthe

streetwhenIcumtoatheaterorplaydoins'ofsomekindorother,soIgot

tolookin'atthepicters,andInoticedwharitseditonlycosttencentsto

goin,andIalowedImightaswellgoinandseeit.WallIdon'tsposeI'd

binintharoverfiveminutesaforeImademyselfthelaffin'stockofevery

oneinthar.Inoticedafellerasottin'thargittin'hisbootsblacked,andthar

wasadurnedlittlepickpockitapickin'hispockits.WallIdidn'twantto

seehimgitrobbed,soIwentrightuptohimandIsed—lookoutmister,

youairgittin'yourpockitspicked,wallsir,thatdurnedcussneverseda

wordandeverybodycommencedtolaff,andIlookedroundtoseewhat

theywuzalaffin'at,anditwan'tnomanatall,nothin'onlyadurnedold

waxfigger.IneverfeltsodurnedfoolishsincethedayIpoppedthe

questiontoSamantha.WallthenIlookedroundaspelllonger,andthar

wuzafellerwhattheycalledthehumanpincushion,andhewuzstuck

chockfullofneedlesandpinsandlookedlikeahedgehog;he'dbea

mightyhandyfellerataquiltin'.Wall,thenafellercumalongandsed,

"everybodyovertothisendofthehall."Wall,Iwentalongwiththerestof

them,anddurnmybuttinsiftharwa'ntafellerwhathadmorepicters

paintedonhimthantharisinastorybook.Wall,I'djistgottolookin'at

himwhenthatfellerwhathadchargesed,"rightthiswayeverybody,"and

weallwentintowhartheywuzhavin'thetheaterdoins',andIgotsot

10

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

downandafellercumoutandsungasongIhadn'theeredsinceIwuza

youngster.NeerasIkinrememberitwuzthisway—

KindfriendsIhadn'thadbutonesleighridethisyear,AndIcum

withinoneofnotbein'here,ThefactsI'llrelatenearasIkinremember,

Ithappenedsometime'boutlastDecember.Litooralooritoora

looritooraloolarido.

Theloadwascomposedofbothgirlsandboys,Alltryin'tooutdothe

otherinnoise.AndthewaythatweguardedaginthecoldweatherWuz

settin'allupspoonfashiontogether.Litooralooritooraloo

ritooraloorilido.

Wall,theyhadaparritinthatplaceandthewayhesputteredand

jabberedandtalked!Hewuzawholeshowalltohimself.Wall,Ibought

oneofthembirdsfromafelleronetime—hesaiditwuzagoodtalker.Wall,

Itookithumandheditaboutthreemonths,anditneversedadurned

word.Iputinmostofmysparetimetryin'togitittosay"UncleJosh,"but

thedurnedcritterwouldn'tdoit,soIgotmadathimonedayandthrowed

himoutinthebamyardamongstthechickens,andlefthimthar.Wall,

whenIwentoutthenextmornin',Itellyoutharwuzasight.Halfofthem

chickenswuzdead,andtherestof'emwuzskeeredtodeath,andthat

durnedparrithadaroosterbytheneckupaginthebarn,andjistagivin'

himanawfulwhippin',andeverytimehe'dhithimhe'dsay,"Nowyousay

UncleJosh,goldurnyou,yousayUncleJosh."

UncleJoshinWallStreet

IUSEDtoreadinourtownpaperdownhomeatPunkinCentrea

wholelotaboutWallstreetandthembullsandbears,andonethingand

another,soIjistsedtomyself—nowJoshua,whenyougitdowntoNew

YorkCity,that'sjistwhatyouwanttosee.Wall,whenIgottoNewYork,I

gotafellertoshowmewharitwuz,andI'llbedumedifIknowwhythey

callitWallstreet;itdidn'thavanywallroundit.Iwalkedupanddownit

boutanhourandahalf,andIcouldn'tfindanystockexchangeorseeany

placeferwatterin'anystock.Icouldn'tseeapignoracow,norasheep

noracalf,oranythingelsethatlookedlikestocktome.SofinallyIsedto

agentleman—Mister,whardotheykeepthemenagerydownhere.Hesed

ii

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

"whatmenagery?"Isedtheplacewharthey'vegotallthembullsand

bearsafilin'.WallhelookedatmeasthoughhethoughtIwuzcrazy,andI

guesshedid,buthesed"youcumalongwithme,guessIcanshowyou

whatyouwanttosee."WallIwentalongwithhim,andhetookmeupto

somepublicinstitushun,nearasIcouldmakeoutitwuzaloonytick

asylem.Wallhetookmeintoaroomabouttwoakersandahalfsquar,and

tharwuzabouttwothousandofthecrazyestmenintharIeverseeninall

mylife.TheminnitIsoteyesonthemIknowedtheywuzallcrazy,andI'd

havtoumerthemifIgotoutoftharalive.Onefellerwuzastandin'onthe

topofatablewithalotofpapersinhishand,andayellin'likea

Comancheinjin,andalltherestofthemwuztryin'togitathim.FinallyI

sedtooneof'em—Mister,whatareyouatryin'todowiththatfellerup

tharonthetable?Andhesed,"Wallhe'sgotfivethousandbushelsof

wheatandwearetryin'togititawayfromhim."Wall,jisttheminnithe

sedthatIknowedfercertaintheywuzallcrazy,cosnobodybutacrazy

manwouldeverthinkhehadfivethousandbushelsofwheatinhiscoat

andpantspockits.Wallwhentheywan'talookingIgotoutofthar,andI

feltmightythankfultogitout.Therewuzafellerstandin'onthefront

steps;hehadasortofaunyformon;IguesshewuzSuperintendentofthe

institushun;hetalkedpurtysassytome.Ised,Mister,whattimedoesthe

fustcargouptown.Hesed"thefustonewentabouttwenty-fiveyears

ago."Isedtohim—isthatmycaroverthar?Hesed"nosir,thatcar

belongstothestreetcarcompany."Isez,wallguessI'lltakeitanyhow.He

says"you'dbetternot,thar'sbinagoodmanycarsmissedaroundhere

lately."Ised,wallnow,Iwanttoknow,istharanythingroundhereany

fresherthanyoube?Hesed,"yes,sir,thatbenchyou'reasottenonisa

littlefresher;theypainteditabouttenminnitsago."Wall,Igotupand

looked,anddurnedifhewasn'tright.

UncleJoshandtheFireDepartment

ONEdayinNewYork,IthotI'dritealetterhome.WallafterI'dgotit

allwrit,Isedtothelandlordofthetavern—now,wharaboutsinNewYork

doyoukeepthepostoffis?Andhesed,"whatdoyouwantwiththepost

offis?"SoItoldhimI'djistwritaletterhometomotherandSamantha

12

UnclesJosh'sPunkinCentreStories

Ann,andI'dliketogotothepostoffisandmailit.Andhetoldme"you

don'thavetogotothepostoffis,doyouseethatlittleboxonthepostthar

onthecorner?"IalowedashowIdid.Wallhesays,"Youjistgooutthar

andputyourletterinthatbox,anditwillgorighttothepostoffis."Ised—

wallnow,geewhiz,ain'tthathandy.WallIwentoutthar,andIhadagood

dealoftroubleingittin'theboxopen,andwhenIdidgititopen,thar

wan'tanyplacetoputmyletter,tharwuzalotofnotesandhooksand

hinges,andalotofreadin,'itsed—"pullonthehooktwiceandturnthe

knob,"orsomethin,likethat,Icouldn'tjistrightlymakeitout.WallI

yankedonthathook'tillItho'tI'dpullitoutbytheroots,butIcouldn'tgit

thedurnedthingopen,thenIturnedontheknobtwoorthreetimes,and

thatdidn'tdoanygood,soIpulledonthehookandturnedontheknobat

thesametime,andjistthenIthinkallthefirebellsinNewYork

commencedtoringin'alltoonct.WallIlookedroundtoseewharthefire

wuz,andalotoffireinginesandhookandladderwagonscumagallopin'

uptowharIstood,andtheyhadabigsodywaterbottleonwheels,andit

bustedandsquirtedsodywateralloverme.Walloneofthemfirefellers,

lookin'jistlikeI'dseentheminpictersinEzraHoskin'sinsurancepapers,

hecumuptomemadder'nahornet,andhesed"whatareyoutryin'todo

withthatbox?"SoItoldhimI'djistwritaletterhome,andIwuzatryin'

tomailit.Hesed"whyyoudurnedoldgreenhorn,you'vecalledoutthe

hullfiredepartmentofNewYorkCity."WallIguessyoucouldhave

knockedmedownwithafeather.Ised—wallyou'rapurtyhealthylookin'

lotoffellers,itwon'thurtyeanytogoback,willit?Wallhesed,"thars

yourletterboxoveronthothercorner,nowyouletthisboxalone."Wall

theyalldroveaway,andIwentovertotheotherbox,butIdidn'tknow

whethertotouchitornot,Ididn'tknowbutmaybeI'dcalloutthestate

legislatorifIopenedit.WallwhileIwuzastandin'tharafellercumalong

andlookedallround,andwhenhethottharwan'tanybodywatchin'him,

heopenedthatboxandcommencedtakin'thelettersout.WallI'dheereda

wholelot'bout