PAGEPAGE34英語幽默故事新發現Ahillbillywasvisitingthebigcityforthefirsttime.Enteringanofficebuilding,hesawapudgyolderwomanstepintoasmallroom.Thedoorsclosed,lightsflashed,andafterawhilethedoorslidopenandabeautifulyoungmodelsteppedofftheelevator.一個鄉下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走進一座大樓，看見一個歲數很大的矮胖女人邁進一個小房間。房間的門隨后關上，有幾個燈在閃亮。一會兒，門開了，電梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。Blinkinginamazement,thehillbillydrawled,"Ishouldhavebroughtmywife!"鄉下人驚奇地眨著眼睛，慢吞吞地說：“我應該把我的老婆帶來!”FirstFlight第一次坐飛機Mr.Johnsonhadneverbeenupinanaerophanebefore，soonedaywhenafriendofferedtotakehimforarideinhisownsmallphane,Mr.Johnsonwasveryworriedaboutaccepting.Finally,however,hisfriendpersuadedhimthatitwasverysafe,andMr.Johnsonboardedtheplane.約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請他乘自己的小飛機飛行時，約翰遜先生非常擔心，不敢接受。不過，由于朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說服了，登上了飛機。Hisfriendstartedtheengineandbegantotaxiontotherunwayoftheairport.Mr.Johnsonhadheardthatthemostdangerouspartofaflightwerethetake-offandthelanding,sohewasextremelyfrightenedandclosedhiseyes.他的朋友啟動引擎開始在機場跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。Afteraminuteortwoheopenedthemagain,lookedoutofthewindowoftheplane,andsaidtohisfriend,"Lookatthosepeopledownthere.Theylookassmallasants,don'tthey?"過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對朋友說道：“看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？”"Thoseareants,"answeredhisfriend."We'restillontheground."“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上。”老年公民坐巴士。Myhusband，Michael，abusdriver，waspassingadesertedbusstopwhenoneofhispassengerscalledoutthatawomanwantedtogeton.

Hepulleduptothecurbandopenedthedoors.我丈夫，麥克是個開大巴士的。一次當他剛要開過一個無人上下車的車站時，一位乘客喊過有位老婦人要上車。麥克把車停靠在馬路邊，打開了車門。Afteraminute，Michaelsawanelderlywomanwithacanecrossingthestreetslowly.

過了足有一分鐘，麥克才見到一位老太太拄著拐杖，慢騰騰地過著馬路朝車子走來。Hewaitedpatientlyasshemadeherwaytothebusandclimbedthesteps.麥克襯心地等她來到汽車旁上著臺階。Whileshewaslookinginherpurseforherbuspass，hebegantoclosethedoors.”Waitaminute!”shesnapped."Mymother'scoming.”趁老太太打開錢包找月票的工夫，麥克欲關門，老婦人阻止道:“等一會，我媽媽還在后面呢！”354航班。AfellowpilotflyingovertheMidwestheardanair-trafficcontrollertryingtocontactanairlinerfornormalfrequencychange.“Flight354，“saidthecontroller，"contactKansasCityCenteronfrequency135.5.“Therequestwasrepeatedseveraltimeswithnoreplyfromthepilot.Finally，inexasperationthecontrollerraisedhisvoice."Flight354，SimonsayscontactKansasCityCenteronfrequency135.5.”Thecallwasacknowledgedwithanemharrassedreplyandpromptcompliance.一名飛行員在中西部上空聽到地面指揮塔的指揮員在呼叫一民航調整其正常接收頻率。"354航班，”指揮塔在呼叫，“請與堪薩斯市中心135.5頻率聯系。”這一指令重復了幾次之后，竟沒得到任何回音。最后，指揮塔的指揮員顯然是被激怒了，他大聲地銳:"354航班，西蒙說速與135.5預率聯系。”這一聲顯然奏效，只聽對方慌忙地做了回答并迅速服從了指揮。”是pig還是witch。Amanisdrivingupasteep,narrowmountainroad.awomanisdrivingdownthesameroad.Astheypasseachother,thewomanleansoutofthewindowandyells"pig!!"Themanimmediatelyleansoutofhiswindowandreplies,"witch!!"Theyeachcontinueontheirway,andasthemanroundsthenextcorner,hecrashesintoapiginthemiddleoftheroad.

ifonlymenwouldlisten.一個男人在一條陡峭狹窄的山路上駕車，一個女人相向駕車而來。他們相遇時，那個女的從窗中伸出頭來叫到：“豬！！”那個男的立即從窗中伸出頭來回敬道：“女巫！！”他們繼續前行。這個男的在下一個路口轉彎時，撞上了路中間的一頭豬。要是這個男的能聽懂那個女人的意思就好了。大五個月。TheSecondWorldWarhadbegun,andJohnwantedtojointhearmy,buthewasonly16yearsold,andboyswereallowedtojoinonlyiftheywereover18.Sowhenthearmydoctorexaminedhim,hesaidthathewas18.ButJohn‘sbrotherhadjoinedthearmyafewdaysbefore,andthesamedoctorhadexaminedhimtoo.Thisdoctorrememberedtheolderboy‘sfamilyname,sowhenhesawJohn‘spapers,hewassurprised."Howoldareyou?"hesaid."Eighteen,sir,"saidJohn."Butyourbrotherwaseighteen,too,"saidthedoctor."Areyoutwins?""Oh,no,sir,"saidJohn,andhisfacewentred."MybrotherisfivemonthsolderthanIam."第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。可約翰的哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。“你多大了?”軍醫問。“十八，長官。”約翰說。“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月。”你女朋友的地址是-？Twosoldierswereincamp.Thefirstone‘snamewasGeorge,andthesecondone‘snamewasBill.Georgesaid,"haveyougotapieceofpaperandanenvelope,Bill?"軍營里有二名士兵，一個叫喬治，一個叫比爾。喬治問：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”Billsaid,"Yes,Ihave,"andhegavethemtohim.比爾說：“有。”然后把信紙和信封給了喬治。ThenGeorgesaid,"NowIhaven‘tgotapen."Billgavehimhis,andGeorgewrotehisletter.Thenheputitintheenvelopeandsaid,"haveyougotastamp,Bill?"Billgavehimone.喬治又說：“我還沒有筆呢。”比爾又把自己的筆給了他。喬治開始寫信。寫完后把信放進信封里，又問：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。ThenBillgotupandwenttothedoor,soGeorgesaidtohim,"Areyougoingout?"這時比爾站起來，向門口走去。喬治問：“你要出去嗎?”BillSaid,"Yes,Iam,"andheopenedthedoor.比爾說：“是的。”隨即打開了門。Georgesaid,"Pleaseputmyletterintheboxintheoffice,and..."Hestopped.喬治說：“請幫我把封信投進辦公室的信箱里，還有...”他停住了。"Whatdoyouwantnow?"Billsaidtohim.“你還要什么?”比爾問。Georgelookedattheenvelopeofhisletterandanswered,"What‘syourgirl-friend‘saddress?"喬治看著信封說：“你女朋友的地址是-?”中間戰術Threecompetingstoreownersrentedadjoiningshopsinamall.Observerswaitedformayhemtoensue.三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條商業街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。Theretailerontherightputuphugesignssaying,"GiganticSale!"and"SuperBargains!"右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”Thestoreontheleftraisedbiggersignsproclaiming,"PricesSlashed!"and"FantasticDiscounts!"左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”Theownerinthemiddlethenpreparedalargesignthatsimplystated,"ENTRANCE".中間的商人隨后準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。布告欄Mysecretarybegantopostunusualnewsarticles,cartoonsandpicturesoffarawaylandsonourofficebulletinboard.

我的秘書開始在我們辦公室的布告欄里張貼一些奇持的新聞、卡通和風景畫等。Althoughshechangedtheitemsonaregularbasis，noonementionedherefforts.Eventuallysheputupanoticestatingthatshewouldgiveonedollartothefirstpersonwhoreadtheannouncementandinformedheraboutit.

按時更換，但從未有人提到過她所做出的努力。終于她貼出了一張告示說，誰要是第一個看到她貼的通知，就可以告訴她，那個人就能從她那里得到一美元。Twoweekslater,shereceivedherfirstacknowledgement，ahandwrittenreplyleftonherdesk:"IjustwantedyoutoknowhowmuchIenjoyyourinterestingbulletinboard.TheCleaningLady.”兩周后，她接到了第一個正式的通知。在她的桌上留著一張字條:“我只想讓你知道，我非常喜歡看那有趣的布告欄。清潔工。”可愛的稱呼

Berniewasinvitedtohisfriend'shomefordinner.Morris,thehost,precededeveryrequesttohiswifebyendearingterms,callingherHoney,MyLove,Darling,Sweetheart,etc.BernielookedatMorrisandremarked,"Thatisreallynice,thatafteralltheseyearsthatyouhavebeenmarried,andyoukeepcallingyourwifethosepetnames."Morrishunghisheadandwhispered,"Totellthetruth,Iforgothernamethreeyearsago."

Bernie應邀來到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie發現，不管問他老婆什么問題，Morris總要在每句話的前面加上一些親密的稱呼，象蜜糖，我的愛人，親愛的，甜心等等。Bernie對Morris說，“你們夫妻倆真夠親密的，結婚這么多年了，你還叫她叫得那么親密。”Morris低下頭，小聲地對Bernie說，“老實跟你說吧，三年前我忘記老婆的真名是什么了。”老虎來了Twoguyswerewalkingthroughthejungle.Allofasudden,atigerappearsfromadistance,runningtowardsthem.Oneoftheguystakesoutapairof"Nikes"fromhisbagandstartstoputthemon.Theotherguywithasurprisedlookandexclaims,"Doyouthinkyouwillrunfasterthanthetigerwiththose?"Hisfriendreplies:"Idon'thavetooutrunit,Ijusthavetorunfasterthanyou."兩個男人正在穿過叢林，突然，一只老虎出現在遠處，向他們沖來。其中的一個人從包里拿出一雙“耐克”鞋，開始穿上。另一個人驚奇地看著他說，“你以為穿上這個就可以跑得過老虎嗎？”他的朋友回答道：“我不用跑得過它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。”LadyFirst女士優先teacheraskedherclass:"Isthesentence'Theoxandthecowareinthefields'correct?"Mostofthechildrensaid:"Yes,itisallright!"Andonlyonelittleboysaid:"No,itisnotcorrect.Theladymustbementionedfirst."一位老師問班上的學生：”公牛和母牛在田里“這個句子對嗎？”大多數學生回答說：“對，一點不錯。”只有一個小男孩說：“不對，應該先說女士。”金發姑娘的狗Agirlwasvisitingherblondefriend,whohadacquiredtwonewdogs,andaskedherwhattheirnameswere.一個女孩去拜訪她的金發朋友，這個朋友最近養了兩只“狗”，于是女孩問道：“它們叫什么名字呀？”TheblonderespondedbysayingthatonewasnamedRolexandonewasnamedTimex.金發朋友說，一只叫Rolex，另一只叫Timex。Herfriendsaid,"Whoeverheardofsomeonenamingdogslikethat?女孩說：“哪有狗狗叫這個名字的。”"HELLLOOOOOOO..."answeredtheblonde."They'rewatchdogs!"“那個……”金發朋友說。“他們是監視器！”上班狗Asalesmandroppedintoseeabusinesscustomer.Notasoulwasintheofficeexceptabigdogemptyingwastebaskets.Thesalesmanstaredattheanimal,wonderingifhisimaginationcouldbeplayingtricksonhim.Thedoglookedupandsaid,“Don'tbesurprised.Thisisjustpartofmyjob.”一個銷售員要去見客戶。但是辦公室里只有一只狗在叼著垃圾桶里的東西。銷售員心想，這一定是在和我開玩笑。這時狗抬起頭，說：“不要驚訝，這也是我的工作。”“Incredible!”exclaimedtheman.“Ican'tbelieveit!Doesyourbossknowwhataprizehehasinyou?Ananimalthatcantalk!”“不可思議！”銷售員叫道。“這不可能！你們老板知道他擁有什么嗎！一只會說話的動物！”“No,no,”pleadedthedog.“Pleasedon't!IfhefindsoutIcantalk,he'llmakemeanswerthephoneaswell!”“不不，”狗哀求道，“千萬別說！如果他發現我可以說話，他會讓我也去接電話的！”兩只蜜蜂Twobeesmetinafield.Onesaidtotheother,"Howarethingsgoing?""Reallybad,"saidthesecondbee."Theweatherhasbeencold,wetanddamp,andtherearen'tanyflowers,soIcan'tmakehoney."兩只蜜蜂在一塊田里相遇了。一只說：“最近怎么樣啊？”“不怎么樣。”另一只說，“天氣涼了又潮濕，花都不開了，我也沒法采蜜了。”"Noproblem,"saidthefirstbee."Justflydownfiveblocksandturnleft.Keepgoinguntilyouseeallthecars.There'saBarMitzvahgoingonandthereareallkindsoffreshflowersandfreshfruit."“沒事的，”第一只蜜蜂說，“飛五個街區然后左轉。看到汽車之前都一直向前飛。有一個戒酒會，那里有各種鮮花和水果。”"Thanksforthetip,"saidthesecondbee,andflewaway.“謝啦，”第二只蜜蜂說，飛走了。Afewhourslaterthetwobeesranintoeachotheragain.Thefirstbeeasked,"How'ditgo?"幾個小時后這兩只蜜蜂又相遇了。第一只蜜蜂問：“怎么樣啊？”"Great!"saidthesecondbee."Itwaseverythingyousaiditwouldbe.Therewasplentyoffruitand,oh,suchhugefloralarrangementsoneverytable."“太棒了！”第二只蜜蜂說，“你說的都成真了。有好多水果，每張桌子上都有許多盛開的花。”"Uh,what'sthatthingonyourhead?"askedthefirstbee.“哦，你頭頂上是什么？”第一只蜜蜂說。"That'smyyarmulke,"saidthesecondbee."Ididn'twantthemtothinkIwasaWASP."“是我的圓頂小帽，”第二只蜜蜂說。“我不想讓他們覺得我是一個易動怒的人。”注：WASP有兩重含義：1.黃蜂；2.易動怒的人。子夜貓Aladyhadabeautifulblackcat,Midnight,whospenthisdaysoutsideandcameindoorsatnight.一位女士擁有一只非常美麗的黑貓，叫做子夜，它會在晚上跑出去玩一陣，再回家來。Onecrispfalleveninghedisappeared.然而在一個涼爽的傍晚，它消失了。Theladysearchedforhiminvain.女士苦苦找尋而徒勞無功。Thefollowingspring,however,Mdnightreappeared,lookinghealthyandclean.Shefiguredhe'dbeensowinghiswildoats.第二年春天，子夜又回來了，看上去干凈又健康的樣子。。女士想著：它大概在外面種了燕麥吧。Everythingwasbacktonormal,untilthatfall,whenMidnightdisappearedagain.一切如舊，直到這年秋天，子夜又消失了。Thenextspring,hereturned.Perplexedtheladywentdoortodoorquestioningothersinthearea.再接下來的春天，它又回來了。女士感到十分困惑，一家一家地詢問附近的鄰居。Finallysherangthebellofanoldercouple.最終她按響了一對老夫婦的門鈴。"Ablackcat?"theoldwomansaid,"Ohyes,MyhusbandandIhatedtoseehimoutinthecold,soweboughtacatcarrier.WetakehimtoFlorida“一只黑貓？”老婦人說，“啊，是的。我們夫婦倆不想讓它在外面挨凍，于是我們就買了一個貓籠，每年冬天都帶它去弗洛里達。”雞肉驚嚇AcouplegoforamealataChineserestaurantandorderthe"ChickenSurprise".Thewaiterbringsthemeal,servedinaliddedcastironpot.一堆夫婦去中餐館吃飯，點了一個“雞肉驚嚇”。服務員上菜了，拿上來一個鑄造的鐵罐。Justasthewifeisabouttoserveherself,thelidofthepotrisesslightlyandshebrieflyseestwobeadylittleeyeslookingaroundbeforethelidslamsbackdown.正當妻子準備開動的時候，罐子的蓋子輕輕地升起來了一點，蓋子又落下去前她只看到兩只亮晶晶的小眼睛正四處看。"Goodgrief,didyouseethat?"sheasksherhusband.“天吶，你看到了嗎？”她問丈夫。Hehasn't,sosheaskshimtolookinthepot.Hereachesforitandagainthelidrises,andheseestwolittleeyeslookingaroundbeforeitslamsdown.丈夫沒有，于是妻子讓丈夫一直盯著這個罐子。他伸出手去，而蓋子又起來了，他也看到了那兩只亮晶晶的小眼睛。Ratherperturbed,hecallsthewaiterover,explainswhatishappening,anddemandsanexplanation.他不安地叫來了服務員，告訴了他看到的事情，要求一個解釋。"Pleasesir,"saysthewaiter,"whatyouorder?"Thehusbandreplies,"ChickenSurprise."“好的先生，”服務員說，“您點了什么？”丈夫回答：“雞肉驚嚇”"Ah...sosorry,"saysthewaiter,"IbringyouPeekingDuck."“啊…不好意思”服務員說，“我給您上的是北京烤鴨。”吃樹根和樹葉Apandawalksintoarestaurant,sitsdownandordersasandwich.Afterhefinisheseatingthesandwich,thepandapullsoutagunandshootsthewaiter,andthenstandsuptogo."Hey!"shoutsthemanager."Whereareyougoing?Youjustshotmywaiterandyoudidn'tpayforyoursandwich!"一只熊貓走進一家參觀，要了一個三明治。吃完以后，熊貓掏出一把手槍，打中了服務員，站起來準備走。“嘿！”經理叫道，“你還想去哪？你打中了我的服務員而且你沒付錢！”Thepandayellsbackatthemanager,"Heyman,IamaPANDA!Lookitup!"熊貓也叫道：“誒你怎么回事啊，我是熊貓！看清楚啊！”Themanageropenshisdictionaryandseesthefollowingdefinitionforpanda:"Atree-dwellingmarsupialofAsianorigin,characterisedbydistinctblackandwhitecolouring.Eatsshootsandleaves."經理打開字典，查到了熊貓的定義：“一種住在樹上的有袋類亞洲動物，以分明的黑色和白色皮毛為特征。吃樹根和樹葉。”企鵝和動物園Amanisdrivingdownthefreewaywithhistwopetpenguinswhenhegetspulledoverbyacopforspeeding.Afterthecophandsoverthespeedingtickettothedriver,henoticesthe2penguins.Thecopinformsthedriverthathemusttakethepenguinstothezoo.Thedriveragreestodoso.一個人帶著兩只寵物企鵝在高速公路上開車，然后因為超速被一個警察抄了牌子。警察將超速罰單交給他時，他注意到了這兩只企鵝，并告訴這個人，必須把企鵝帶去動物園。這個人同意了。Twomonthslater,thesamemanispulledoverbythesamecopforspeeding.Thecopnoticesthepenguinsagainonlynowtheyarewearingsunglassesandeatingicecream.兩個月后，這個人又被同一個警察因為超速逮到了。警察再一次注意到了企鵝，它們還戴著太陽眼鏡，吃著冰激凌。Thecopsays,"IthoughtItoldyoutotakethosepenguinstothezoo."警察說：“我是不是已經告訴你要把這些企鵝帶去動物園了。”Themanresponds,"Ididtakethemtothezoo,nowI'mtakingthemtothebeach."這個人回答道，“我確實帶了它們去動物園呀，現在我帶它們去沙灘。”兔子與蛇Ablindrabbitandablindsnakemeeteachother.Neitheronerememberswhatkindofanimaltheyare,sotheydecidetofeeleachother.一只瞎眼的兔子和一只瞎眼的蛇相遇了。它們倆都知道自己是什么動物，但不知道對方是什么，于是它們都決定試試對方Therabbitsays,"Youfeelmefirst."Thesnakesaysokay,andhestartsfeelingtherabbit.兔子說：“你先摸摸我。”蛇同意了，它摸了一下兔子。Hesays,"Well,youhavefurallover,andalittlecottontail,andtwolongears,andbigbackfeet..."蛇說：“額，你全身都有皮毛，有一個小棉球似的尾巴，耳朵很長，后腿很粗壯…”Therabbitsays,"Iknow!I'marabbit!Yippee!"Thentherabbitfeelsthesnake.兔子說，“我知道！我是只兔子！耶！”然后兔子摸了一下蛇。Hesays,"Okay,you'relongandthin,andslimyallover,andthere'salittleforkedtongue..."兔子說，“好吧，你長長的細細的，全身都滑溜溜的，還有一根分叉的舌頭…”Thesnakesays,"Ohno!I'malawyer."蛇說：“不！我是個律師”岳母Abig-gamehunterwentonsafariwithhiswifeandmother-in-law.Oneevening,whilestilldeepinthejungle,theMrsawoketofindhermothergone.Rushingtoherhusband,sheinsistedonthembothtryingtofindhermother.一位職業獵人帶著妻子和岳母一塊去游獵。一個傍晚，叢林深處，夫人突然發現母親不見了。她堅持兩個人都要努力去找到母親。Thehunterpickeduphisrifle,tookaswigofwhiskey,andstartedtolookforher.Inaclearingnotfarfromthecamp,theycameuponachillingsight:themother-in-lawwasbackedupagainstathick,impenetrablebush,andalargemalelionstoodfacingher.獵人拿起了他的來福，喝了一大口威士忌，開始找人。在營地不遠處，他們看到了一個令人震驚的地方：岳母背對著一大叢灌木，一只雄獅正看著她。Thewifecried,"Whatarewegoingtodo?"夫人哭道：“我們該怎么辦？”"Nothing,"saidthehunterhusband."Theliongothimselfintothismess,lethimgethimselfoutofit."“沒什么”，獵人丈夫說道，“獅子自己走進這么亂的地方的，讓他自己出來吧。”與奶牛打高爾夫Amanstaggersintoanemergencyroomwithtwoblackeyesandafiveironwrappedtightlyaroundhisthroat.一個男人搖搖晃晃地走進了急診室，兩個眼睛是青的，脖子上有明顯的五指印。Naturallythedoctoraskshimwhathappened."Well,itwaslikethis,"saidtheman."Iwashavingaquietroundofgolfwithmywifewhensheslicedherballintoapastureofcows.醫生問他發生了什么。“額，是這樣的，”這個人說。“我和我老婆來了幾局高爾夫，她把球打到一個牛群里。”"WewenttolookforitandwhileIwasrootingaround,Inoticedoneofthecowshadsomethingwhiteatitsrearend.“我們去找這個球，我四下搜索，發現一頭牛的屁股后面有個白色的東西。”"Iwalkedoverandliftedupthetailandsureenough,therewasmywife'sgolfball--stuckrightinthemiddleofthecow'sbutt.That'swhenImademymistake."“我走過去，舉起了它的尾巴想看清楚，我老婆的球就卡在牛的屁股中間。然后我犯了一個錯誤。”"Whatdidyoudo?"asksthedoctor.“你干嘛了？”醫生問。"Well,Iliftedthetailandyelledtomywife,'Hey,thislookslikeyours!'"“額，我舉起了牛的尾巴，對我老婆喊道，'這個好像是你的！'”雞舍ThepriestinasmallIrishvillagewasveryfondofthechickenshekeptinthehenhouseoutthebackoftheparishrectory.Hehadacockroosterandabouttenhens.在一個小小的愛爾蘭村莊中，牧師非常地喜愛雞舍中的小雞。雞舍位于教區后面，里面有一只公雞，十只母雞。OneSaturdaynightthecockroosterwasmissingandthepriestsuspectedthatitwasbecausecockfightswerebeingheldinthevillage.Sohedecidedtodosomethingaboutitatchurchthenextmorning.然而，公雞在一個星期六的晚上不見了，牧師懷疑可能是因為村里舉辦了斗雞比賽。他謀劃在第二天早晨去教堂做些事情。AtMass,heaskedthecongregation,"Hasanybodygotacock?"Allthemenstoodup.當著大家的面，他問道：“誰有一只公雞嗎？”所有的男人都站了起來。"No,No,"hesaid,"thatwasn'twhatImeant.Hasanybodyseenacock?"Allthewomenstoodup.“不是的，”他說，“我不是那個意思，有誰見到過一只公雞嗎？”所有的女人都站了起來。"No,No,"hesaid,"thatwasn'twhatImeant.Hasanybodyseenacockthatdoesn'tbelongtothem?"Halfthewomenstoodup.“不是的！”他說，“我不是那個意思。有誰見過一只不屬于自己的公雞嗎？”半數的女人站了起來。"No,No,"hesaid,"thatwasn'twhatImeant.Hasanybodyseenmycock?"Allthealtarboysstoodup.“不是的。”他說，“我也不是那個意思。有誰見過我的公雞嗎？”所有的侍者男孩都站了起來。如何清洗一只貓Thoroughlycleanthetoilet.Addtherequiredamountofshampootothetoiletwater,andhavebothlidslifted.Obtainthecatandsoothehimwhileyoucarryhimtowardsthebathroom.仔細地打掃衛生間。在馬桶中加入適量的洗發乳，打開蓋子。帶貓去衛生間的時候，小心地安慰它。Inonesmoothmovement,putthecatinthetoiletandclosebothlids(youmayneedtostandonthelidsothathecannotescape).麻溜地把貓丟進馬桶，蓋上蓋子（你可能需要站在蓋子上，以防它逃脫）。CAUTION!!!!!一定要小心！！！！Donotgetanypartofyourbodytooclosetotheedge,ashispawswillbereachingoutforanypurchasetheycanfind.不要太靠近邊緣，它的爪子可能會伸出來抓住任何可以抓住的東西。Flushthetoiletthreeorfourtimes.沖洗馬桶三到四次。Havesomeoneopenthedoortotheoutsideandensurethattherearenopeoplebetweenthetoiletandtheoutsidedoor.讓其他的某人打開出去的門，確保馬桶和外門間沒有人。Standbehindthetoiletasfarasyoucan,andquicklyliftbothlids.Thenow-cleancatwillrocketoutofthetoilet,andrunoutsidewherehewilldryhimself.站得離馬桶盡量遠一點，快速地打開蓋子。洗干凈的貓會從馬桶里發射出來并跑出去，然后會去某個地方擦干自己。Sincerely,真誠的，TheDOG狗鹿的足跡Twolawyerswereouthuntingwhentheycameuponapairoftracks.Theystoppedandexaminedthetracksclosely.兩個律師一同去打獵。有一次，他們倆發現了一連串腳印，于是仔細檢查起來。Thefirstlawyerannounced,"Thosearedeertracks.It'sdeerseason,soweshouldfollowthetracksandfindourprey."第一個律師說“這些是小鹿（deer）的腳印。因為現在是小鹿活動的時候，我們應該跟著腳步走，這樣就能發現獵物！”Thesecondlawyerresponded,"Thoseareclearlyelktracks,andelkareoutofseason.Ifwefollowyouradvice,we'llwastetheday."第二個律師回答說：“這顯然是駝鹿(elk)的腳印，而現在已經不是駝鹿的活動季節了。如果聽你的，今天就相當于啥都沒干了。”Eachattorneybelievedhimselftobethesuperiorwoodsman,andtheybothbitterlystucktotheirguns.兩個律師都覺得自己是對的，他們都忠于自己的看法。Theywerestillarguingwhenthetrainhitthem.直到被一大堆鹿沖撞開來。雙語鸚鵡Sothisguygoesintoapetstoreandseesabeautifulparrotbutithasabluestringhandingfromonefootandaredonefromtheother.Hethinksthisisalittlestrangesoheaskstheshopkeeperwhatthestringsarefor.有個人在寵物店發現了一只美麗的鸚鵡，但是它的一只腳上牽著藍色的繩子，而另一只牽著紅色的。這個人覺得有些奇怪，就去問店主繩子是做什么的？"Wellthisisahighlytrainedparrot"theshopkeeperreplies."IfyoupulltheredstringhetalksinFrench,ifyoupullthebluestringhetalksinEnglish".“噢，這是一只訓練有素的鸚鵡。”店主回答道。“如果你拉動紅繩子，它會講法語，如果你拉動藍繩子，它就講英語”"Wow"exclaimsthemanshopping,"That'sreallyneat.Whathappensifyoupullthembothatthesametime?"“哇塞，”這個人感到很驚訝。“太厲害了。那如果你同時拉呢？”"Ifalloffmyperchyouidiot!"exclaimstheparrot.“我會從架子上跌倒的！你個笨蛋！”鸚鵡回答道。狗熱AlittlegirlaskedherMom,"Mom,mayItakethedogforawalkaroundtheblock?"一個小女孩問她的媽媽，“媽媽，我可以帶狗狗去街角散步嗎？”Momreplies,"No,becausesheisinheat."媽媽回答說，“不，因為她有些熱。”"What'sthatmean?"askedthechild.“那是什么意思？”小女孩問。"Goaskyourfather",answeredthemother,"Ithinkhe'sinthegarage."“問你爸爸去吧，”媽媽回答道，“他應該在車庫里。”Thelittlegirlgoestothegarageandsays,"Dad,mayItakeBelleforawalkaroundtheblock?IaskedMom,butshesaidthedogwasinheat,andtocometoyou."于是小女孩就去了車庫里，說“爸爸，我可以帶Belle去街角散散步嗎？我問了媽媽，但她說狗狗有些熱，讓我來問問你。”Dadsaid,"BringBelleoverhere."Hetookarag,soakeditwithgasoline,andscrubbedthedog'sbacksidewithitandsaid,"Okay,youcangonow,butkeepBelleontheleashandonlygoonetimearoundtheblock."爸爸說，“把Belle帶過來吧。”他拿了跟布條，用汽油浸過，然后綁在了狗狗的背上用力擦了擦狗狗的背，說“好了，你現在可以去了，但是得一直拿著Belle的皮帶，并且只能在街角走一次。”Thelittlegirlleft,andreturnedafewminuteslaterwithnodogontheleash.Surprised,Dadasked,"Where'sBelle?"小女孩離開了，幾分鐘后便回來了，狗沒有一起回來。爸爸感到很驚訝，問道，“Belle呢？”Thelittlegirlsaid,"Sheranoutofgasabouthalfwaydowntheblock,soanotherdogispushingherhome."小女孩說，“她半路就把背上的汽油揮發光了，然后另外一只狗就'奮勇前進'了。”孤獨的青蛙Alonelyfrog,desperateforanyformofcompany,telephonedthePsychicHotlinetofindoutwhathisfuturehasinstore.一只孤獨的青蛙，對所有形式的陪伴都感到絕望，于是它撥打了心理咨詢熱線，想要知道它的未來還有什么樣的可能。HisPersonalPsychicAdvisoradviseshim,"Youaregoingtomeetabeautifulyounggirlwhowillwanttoknoweverythingaboutyou."它的個人心理咨詢顧問對它說，“你會遇見一位美麗的姑娘，她會想要知道所有關于你的事情”Thefrogisthrilledandsays,"Thisisgreat!WherewillImeether,atwork,ataparty?"青蛙感到萬分激動，說：“太好了！我會在哪遇見她？工作的時候？還是在晚宴上？”"No"saysthepsychic,"inaBiologyclass."“不，”顧問說，“在生物課上。”請來兩只狗TwoScottishnunshadjustarrivedtotheUSbyboatwhenonesaidtotheother,"Iheardthattheoccupantsofthiscountryactuallyeatdogs."兩個蘇格蘭修女剛剛坐船來到美國，其中一個修女對另外一個說，“我聽說這個國家的人們是吃狗肉的。”"Odd,"hercompanionreplied,"butifweshallliveinAmerica,wemightaswelldoastheAmericansdo."“真奇怪”，她的同伴回答道，“不過如果我們也生活在美國，我們可能會做一樣的事情啊。”Noddingemphatically,themothersuperiorpointedtoahotdogvendorandtheybothwalkedtowardsit.這位年長修女認真地點了點頭，指向了一個熱狗攤，她們倆一同走了過去。"Twodogs,please,"saidone.“兩只狗，謝謝。”一位說。Thevendorwasonlytoopleasedtoobligeandhewrappedbothhotdogsinfoil.Excited,thenunshurriedovertoabenchandbegantounwraptheir'dogs.'攤販主很開心，他把兩個熱狗都包了起來。兩位修女飛快地到一個長凳上坐下，打開了她們的“狗”。Themothersuperiorwasfirsttoopenhers,then,staredatitforamoment,leanedovertotheothernunandwhisperedcautiously,"Whatpartdidyouget?"年長的修女先打開了她的，然后，仔細地凝視了一會，向另外一位修女靠了過去，小心地耳語道“你拿到哪個部分了？”破冰捕魚Ablonddecidestogoicefishingoneday.Shetakesherstoolandherfishingpoleontotheice,andcutsabighole.Thenavoicesays:"THEREARENOFISHUNDERTHEICE"一個金發外國人決定要去冰上釣魚。她拿上她的工具和釣魚竿去了冰上，并鑿出了一個大洞。然后聽見一個聲音說："冰～下～面～沒～有～魚！"Perplexed,theblondmovesherstool100feet,sitsdownagainandgoestoworkcuttinganotherhole.Again,thevoicesaid:"THEREARENOFISHUNDERTHEICE"這個外國人很疑惑，把她的工具挪動了100尺，再次坐下來，準備再鑿一個洞的時候。再一次地，有個聲音說："冰～下～面～沒～有～魚！"Clearlyflustered,shemovesthestooltoonelastspot,sitsdown,andpicksupherauger.Again,thevoiceboomed:"FORTHELASTTIME,THEREARENOFISHUNDERTHEICE"姑娘有點慌了，她將工具挪到最后這個點上，坐下來，拿起了她的螺絲鉆。再一次地，聲音響起：“最～后～說～一～次！冰～下～面～沒～有～魚！”Finally,shecan'ttakeit.Shecriesout,"God,isthatyou?"她終于承受不住了，叫了出來，“是你嗎？神？”"NO,I'MTHEOWNEROFTHISHOCKEYRINK"“不，我是這個曲棍球冰場的主人。”天主教的狗MuldoonlivedaloneintheIrishcountrysidewithonlyapetdogforcompany.Onedaythedogdied,andMuldoonwenttotheparishpriestandasked,"Father,mydogisdead.Couldya'besaying'amassforthepoorcreature?"

FatherPatrickreplied,"I'mafraidnot;wecannothaveservicesforananimalinthechurch.ButtherearesomeBaptistsdownthelane,andthere'snotellin'whattheybelieve.Maybethey'lldosomethingforthecreature."Muldoonsaid,"I'llgorightawayFather.Doya'think$5,000isenoughtodonatetothemfortheservice?"FatherPatrickexclaimed,"SweetMary,MotherofJesus!Whydidn'tyatellmethedogwasCatholic?Muldoon一個人生活在愛爾蘭的郊外，只有一只寵物狗跟他作伴。有一天，這只狗死了，Muldoon就跑去教區的神父那里，說，“神父，我的狗死了，你能為這可憐的小東西作個禱告嗎？”Patrick神父回答道：“恐怕不行，我們教堂沒有為寵物提供的服務；不過小巷那頭有些浸信會的教友，也不知道他們是信什么的，他們可能會為這只小狗做些什么。”Muldoon說，“我馬上就去，神父。你覺得為這項服務捐贈5000美元給他們足夠了嗎？”Patrick神父解釋道，“圣母瑪利亞啊！你怎么不說這只小狗信奉天主教呢？”會說話的鸚鵡Onedayamanwenttoanauction.Whilethere,hebidonaparrot.Hereallywantedthisbird,sohegotcaughtupinthebidding.Hekeptonbidding,butkeptgettingoutbid,sohebidhigherandhigherandhigher.一天一個人去參加拍賣。他相中了一只鸚鵡，他真的很想要這只鳥兒，于是他在競價中緊緊跟著。他一直出價，出得比別人都高，最終，價格一路水漲船高。Finally,afterhebidwaymorethanheintended,hewonthebid-theparrotwashisatlast!在出到比預想要高得多得的價格后，他贏了這次競價，鸚鵡終于是他的了！Ashewaspayingfortheparrot,hesaidtotheAuctioneer,"Isurehopethisparrotcantalk.Iwouldhatetohavepaidthismuchforit,onlytofindoutthathecan'ttalk!"他去付錢時對拍賣人說，“我希望這只鸚鵡一定要會說話。如果出了這么高的價，它還不能說話的話，我肯定會很難過的。”"Don'tworry."saidtheAuctioneer,"Hecantalk.Whodoyouthinkkeptbiddingagainstyou?"“不要擔心。”拍賣人說，“它可以說話的。你以為是誰在競價時一直跟你對著干？”想飛的烏龜Deepwithinaforestalittleturtlebegantoclimbatree.Afterhoursofefforthereachedthetop,jumpedintotheairwavinghisfrontlegsandcrashedtotheground.Afterrecovering,heslowlyclimbedthetreeagain,jumped,andfelltotheground.Theturtletriedagainandagainwhileacoupleofbirdssittingonabranchwatchedhissadefforts.Finally,thefemalebirdturnedtohermate."Dear,"shechirped,"Ithinkit'stimetotellhimhe'sadopted."森林的深處，一只小烏龜正在往樹上爬。幾個小時后，它到達了頂端，然后跳了下去，揮舞著前腿，然后撞到了地上。恢復好了以后，它慢慢地再次開始爬樹，跳下，然后跌到地上。小烏龜一次又一次地嘗試，有兩只小鳥坐在樹枝上看著它這悲劇式的嘗試。終于，雌性小鳥轉向她的伴侶。“親愛的，”她說，“我認為是時候告訴他他是領養來的了。”消防狗Anurseryschoolteacherwasdeliveringaschoolbusfullofkidshomeonedaywhenafiretruckzoomedpast.SittinginthefrontseatofthefiretruckwasaDalmatiandog.Thechildrenstarteddiscussingwhatthedog'sdutiesmightbe."Theyusehimtokeepcrowdsback,"saidoneyoungster."No,"saidanother,"he'sjustforgoodluck."Athirdchildconcluded."Nosilly,theyusethedogstofindthefirehydrant!"有一天，一位護理學校的老師老師正駕駛著坐滿孩子的校車，送他們回家，這時候，一輛消防車呼嘯而過。在消防車的前座上有一只達爾馬提亞犬。于是孩子們開始討論這只狗的職責可能是什么。“他們用它來讓人們離得遠一點，”一個小孩說到。“不，”另一個說，“它是用來求好運的。”這時候第三個小孩說。“別傻了，其實他們是想用用這狗來找消防栓的。”聰明的貓Threemenwerebraggingabouthowsmarttheircatsare.ThefirstmanwasanAccountant,thesecondmanwasaChemist,thethirdwasaGovernmentWorker.Toshowoff,theAccountant

calledhiscatandsaid,"Spreadsheet,doyourstuff."Spreadsheetwentoutintothekitchenandreturnedwithadozencookies.Hedividedtheminto3equalpilesof4cookieseach.Everyoneagreedthatwasgood.ButtheChemistsaidhiscatcoulddobetter.Hecalledhiscatandsaid,"Measure,doyourstuff."Measuregotup,walkedovertothefridge,tookoutaquartofmilk,gota10ounceglassfromthecupboardandpouredexactly8ounceswithoutspillingadrop.Everyoneagreedthatwasgood.ThenthetwomenturnedtotheGovernmentWorkerandsaid,"Whatcanyourcatdo?"TheGovernmentWorkercalledtohiscatandsaid,"CoffeeBreak,doyourstuff."CoffeeBreakjumpedtohisfeet,atethecookies,drankthemilk,peedonthepaper,assaultedtheotherthreecats,claimedheinjuredhisbackwhiledoingso,filedagrievancereportforunsafeworkingconditions,putinforWorkersCompensationandwenthomefortherestofthedayonsickleave.三個男人在吹噓他們的貓有多么聰明。第一個男人是個會計師，第二個男人是個化學家，第三個則是個公務員。為了炫耀，會計師叫來他的貓，然后說：“Spreadsheet，干你的活去。”Spreadsheet走進了廚房，拿回