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Chapter2

Iresistedalltheway:anewthingforme,andacircumstancewhichgreatlystrengthenedthebadopinionBessieandMissAbbotweredisposedtoentertainofme.Thefactis,Iwasatriflebesidemyself;orratherOUTofmyself,astheFrenchwouldsay:Iwasconsciousthatamoment’smutinyhadalreadyrenderedmeliabletostrangepenalties,and,likeanyotherrebelslave,Ifeltresolved,inmydesperation,togoalllengths.

“Holdherarms,MissAbbot:she’slikeamadcat.”

“Forshame!forshame!”criedthelady’s-maid.“Whatshockingconduct,MissEyre,tostrikeayounggentleman,yourbenefactress’sson!Youryoungmaster.”

“Master!Howishemymaster?AmIaservant?”

“No;youarelessthanaservant,foryoudonothingforyourkeep.There,sitdown,andthinkoveryourwickedness.”

TheyhadgotmebythistimeintotheapartmentindicatedbyMrs.Reed,andhadthrustmeuponastool:myimpulsewastorisefromitlikeaspring;theirtwopairofhandsarrestedmeinstantly.

“Ifyoudon’tsitstill,youmustbetieddown,”saidBessie.“MissAbbot,lendmeyourgarters;shewouldbreakminedirectly.”

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MissAbbotturnedtodivestastoutlegofthenecessaryligature.Thispreparationforbonds,andtheadditionalignominyitinferred,tookalittleoftheexcitementoutofme.

“Don’ttakethemoff,”Icried;“Iwillnotstir.”

Inguaranteewhereof,Iattachedmyselftomyseatbymyhands.

“Mindyoudon’t,”saidBessie;andwhenshehadascertainedthatIwasreallysubsiding,sheloosenedherholdofme;thensheandMissAbbotstoodwithfoldedarms,lookingdarklyanddoubtfullyonmyface,asincredulousofmysanity.

“Sheneverdidsobefore,”atlastsaidBessie,turningtotheAbigail.

“Butitwasalwaysinher,”wasthereply.“I’vetoldMissisoftenmyopinionaboutthechild,andMissisagreedwithme.She’sanunderhandlittlething:Ineversawagirlofheragewithsomuchcover.”

Bessieanswerednot;buterelong,addressingme,shesaid—“Yououghttobeaware,Miss,thatyouareunderobligationstoMrs.Reed:shekeepsyou:ifsheweretoturnyouoff,youwouldhavetogotothepoorhouse.”

Ihadnothingtosaytothesewords:theywerenotnewtome:myveryfirstrecollectionsofexistenceincludedhintsofthesamekind.Thisreproachofmydependencehadbecomeavaguesing-songinmyear:

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verypainfulandcrushing,butonlyhalfintelligible.MissAbbotjoinedin-

“AndyououghtnottothinkyourselfonanequalitywiththeMissesReedandMasterReed,becauseMissiskindlyallowsyoutobebroughtupwiththem.Theywillhaveagreatdealofmoney,andyouwillhavenone:itisyourplacetobehumble,andtotrytomakeyourselfagreeabletothem.”

“Whatwetellyouisforyourgood,”addedBessie,innoharshvoice,“youshouldtrytobeusefulandpleasant,then,perhaps,youwouldhaveahomehere;butifyoubecomepassionateandrude,Missiswillsendyouaway,Iamsure.”

“Besides,”saidMissAbbot,“Godwillpunishher:Hemightstrikeherdeadinthemidstofhertantrums,andthenwherewouldshego?Come,Bessie,wewillleaveher:Iwouldn’thaveherheartforanything.Sayyourprayers,MissEyre,whenyouarebyyourself;forifyoudon’trepent,somethingbadmightbepermittedtocomedownthechimneyandfetchyouaway.”

Theywent,shuttingthedoor,andlockingitbehindthem.

Thered-roomwasasquarechamber,veryseldomsleptin,Imightsaynever,indeed,unlesswhenachanceinfluxofvisitorsatGatesheadHallrendereditnecessarytoturntoaccountalltheaccommodationitcontained:yetitwasoneofthelargestandstateliestchambersinthemansion.Abedsupportedonmassive

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pillarsofmahogany,hungwithcurtainsofdeepreddamask,stoodoutlikeatabernacleinthecentre;thetwolargewindows,withtheirblindsalwaysdrawndown,werehalfshroudedinfestoonsandfallsofsimilardrapery;thecarpetwasred;thetableatthefootofthebedwascoveredwithacrimsoncloth;thewallswereasoftfawncolourwithablushofpinkinit;thewardrobe,thetoilet-table,thechairswereofdarklypolishedoldmahogany.Outofthesedeepsurroundingshadesrosehigh,andglaredwhite,thepiled-upmattressesandpillowsofthebed,spreadwithasnowyMarseillescounterpane.Scarcelylessprominentwasanamplecushionedeasy-chairneartheheadofthebed,alsowhite,withafootstoolbeforeit;andlooking,asIthought,likeapalethrone.

Thisroomwaschill,becauseitseldomhadafire;itwassilent,becauseremotefromthenurseryandkitchen;solemn,becauseitwasknowntobesoseldomentered.Thehouse-maidalonecamehereonSaturdays,towipefromthemirrorsandthefurnitureaweek’squietdust:andMrs.Reedherself,atfarintervals,visitedittoreviewthecontentsofacertainsecretdrawerinthewardrobe,wherewerestoreddiversparchments,herjewel-casket,andaminiatureofherdeceasedhusband;andinthoselastwordsliesthesecretofthered-room—thespellwhichkeptitsolonelyinspiteofitsgrandeur.

Mr.Reedhadbeendeadnineyears:itwasinthischamberhebreathedhislast;herehelayinstate;hencehiscoffinwasbornebytheundertaker’smen;

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and,sincethatday,asenseofdrearyconsecrationhadguardeditfromfrequentintrusion.

Myseat,towhichBessieandthebitterMissAbbothadleftmeriveted,wasalowottomannearthemarblechimney-piece;thebedrosebeforeme;tomyrighthandtherewasthehigh,darkwardrobe,withsubdued,brokenreflectionsvaryingtheglossofitspanels;tomyleftwerethemuffledwindows;agreatlooking-glassbetweenthemrepeatedthevacantmajestyofthebedandroom.Iwasnotquitesurewhethertheyhadlockedthedoor;andwhenIdaredmove,Igotupandwenttosee.Alas!yes:nojailwasevermoresecure.Returning,Ihadtocrossbeforethelooking-glass;myfascinatedglanceinvoluntarilyexploredthedepthitrevealed.Alllookedcolderanddarkerinthatvisionaryhollowthaninreality:andthestrangelittlefiguretheregazingatme,withawhitefaceandarmsspeckingthegloom,andglitteringeyesoffearmovingwhereallelsewasstill,hadtheeffectofarealspirit:Ithoughtitlikeoneofthetinyphantoms,halffairy,halfimp,Bessie’seveningstoriesrepresentedascomingoutoflone,fernydellsinmoors,andappearingbeforetheeyesofbelatedtravellers.Ireturnedtomystool.

Superstitionwaswithmeatthatmoment;butitwasnotyetherhourforcompletevictory:mybloodwasstillwarm;themoodoftherevoltedslavewasstillbracingmewithitsbittervigour;IhadtostemarapidrushofretrospectivethoughtbeforeIquailedtothedismalpresent.

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AllJohnReed’sviolenttyrannies,allhissisters’proudindifference,allhismother’saversion,alltheservants’partiality,turnedupinmydisturbedmindlikeadarkdepositinaturbidwell.WhywasIalwayssuffering,alwaysbrowbeaten,alwaysaccused,forevercondemned?WhycouldIneverplease?Whywasituselesstotrytowinanyone’sfavour?Eliza,whowasheadstrongandselfish,wasrespected.Georgiana,whohadaspoiledtemper,averyacridspite,acaptiousandinsolentcarriage,wasuniversallyindulged.Herbeauty,herpinkcheeksandgoldencurls,seemedtogivedelighttoallwholookedather,andtopurchaseindemnityforeveryfault.Johnnoonethwarted,muchlesspunished;thoughhetwistedthenecksofthepigeons,killedthelittlepea-chicks,setthedogsatthesheep,strippedthehothousevinesoftheirfruit,andbrokethebudsoffthechoicestplantsintheconservatory:hecalledhismother“oldgirl,”too;sometimesreviledherforherdarkskin,similartohisown;bluntlydisregardedherwishes;notunfrequentlytoreandspoiledhersilkattire;andhewasstill“herowndarling.”Idaredcommitnofault:Istrovetofulfileveryduty;andIwastermednaughtyandtiresome,sullenandsneaking,frommorningtonoon,andfromnoontonight.

MyheadstillachedandbledwiththeblowandfallIhadreceived:noonehadreprovedJohnforwantonlystrikingme;andbecauseIhadturnedagainsthimtoavertfartherirrationalviolence,Iwasloadedwithgeneralopprobrium.

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“Unjust!—unjust!”saidmyreason,forcedbytheagonisingstimulusintoprecociousthoughtransitorypower:andResolve,equallywroughtup,instigatedsomestrangeexpedienttoachieveescapefrominsupportableoppression—asrunningaway,or,ifthatcouldnotbeeffected,nevereatingordrinkingmore,andlettingmyselfdie.

Whataconsternationofsoulwasminethatdrearyafternoon!Howallmybrainwasintumult,andallmyheartininsurrection!Yetinwhatdarkness,whatdenseignorance,wasthementalbattlefought!Icouldnotanswertheceaselessinwardquestion—WHYIthussuffered;now,atthedistanceof—Iwillnotsayhowmanyyears,Iseeitclearly.

IwasadiscordinGatesheadHall:Iwaslikenobodythere;IhadnothinginharmonywithMrs.Reedorherchildren,orherchosenvassalage.Iftheydidnotloveme,infact,aslittledidIlovethem.Theywerenotboundtoregardwithaffectionathingthatcouldnotsympathisewithoneamongstthem;aheterogeneousthing,opposedtothemintemperament,incapacity,inpropensities;auselessthing,incapableofservingtheirinterest,oraddingtotheirpleasure;anoxiousthing,cherishingthegermsofindignationattheirtreatment,ofcontemptoftheirjudgment.IknowthathadIbeenasanguine,brilliant,careless,exacting,handsome,rompingchild—thoughequallydependentandfriendless—Mrs.Reedwouldhaveenduredmypresencemorecomplacently;herchildrenwouldhaveentertainedformemoreofthecordialityoffellow-

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feeling;theservantswouldhavebeenlesspronetomakemethescapegoatofthenursery.

Daylightbegantoforsakethered-room;itwaspastfouro’clock,andthebecloudedafternoonwastendingtodreartwilight.Iheardtherainstillbeatingcontinuouslyonthestaircasewindow,andthewindhowlinginthegrovebehindthehall;Igrewbydegreescoldasastone,andthenmycouragesank.Myhabitualmoodofhumiliation,self-doubt,forlorndepression,felldampontheembersofmydecayingire.AllsaidIwaswicked,andperhapsImightbeso;whatthoughthadIbeenbutjustconceivingofstarvingmyselftodeath?Thatcertainlywasacrime:andwasIfittodie?OrwasthevaultunderthechancelofGatesheadChurchaninvitingbourne?InsuchvaultIhadbeentolddidMr.Reedlieburied;andledbythisthoughttorecallhisidea,Idweltonitwithgatheringdread.Icouldnotrememberhim;butIknewthathewasmyownuncle—mymother’sbrother—thathehadtakenmewhenaparentlessinfanttohishouse;andthatinhislastmomentshehadrequiredapromiseofMrs.Reedthatshewouldrearandmaintainmeasoneofherownchildren.Mrs.Reedprobablyconsideredshehadkeptthispromise;andsoshehad,Idaresay,aswellashernaturewouldpermither;buthowcouldshereallylikeaninterlopernotofherrace,andunconnectedwithher,afterherhusband’sdeath,byanytie?Itmusthavebeenmostirksometofindherselfboundbyahard-wrungpledgetostandinthesteadofaparenttoastrangechildshecouldnotlove,andtoseean

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uncongenialalienpermanentlyintrudedonherownfamilygroup.

Asingularnotiondawneduponme.Idoubtednot—neverdoubted—thatifMr.Reedhadbeenalivehewouldhavetreatedmekindly;andnow,asIsatlookingatthewhitebedandovershadowedwalls—occasionallyalsoturningafascinatedeyetowardsthedimlygleaningmirror—IbegantorecallwhatIhadheardofdeadmen,troubledintheirgravesbytheviolationoftheirlastwishes,revisitingtheearthtopunishtheperjuredandavengetheoppressed;andIthoughtMr.Reed’sspirit,harassedbythewrongsofhissister’schild,mightquititsabode—whetherinthechurchvaultorintheunknownworldofthedeparted—andrisebeforemeinthischamber.Iwipedmytearsandhushedmysobs,fearfullestanysignofviolentgriefmightwakenapreternaturalvoicetocomfortme,orelicitfromthegloomsomehaloedface,bendingovermewithstrangepity.Thisidea,consolatoryintheory,Ifeltwouldbeterribleifrealised:withallmymightIendeavouredtostifleit—Iendeavouredtobefirm.Shakingmyhairfrommyeyes,Iliftedmyheadandtriedtolookboldlyroundthedarkroom;atthismomentalightgleamedonthewall.Wasit,Iaskedmyself,arayfromthemoonpenetratingsomeapertureintheblind?No;moonlightwasstill,andthisstirred;whileIgazed,itglideduptotheceilingandquiveredovermyhead.Icannowconjecturereadilythatthisstreakoflightwas,inalllikelihood,agleamfromalanterncarriedbysomeoneacrossthelawn:butthen,

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preparedasmymindwasforhorror,shakenasmynerveswerebyagitation,Ithoughttheswiftdartingbeamwasaheraldofsomecomingvisionfromanotherworld.Myheartbeatthick,myheadgrewhot;asoundfilledmyears,whichIdeemedtherushingofwings;somethingseemednearme;Iwasoppressed,suffocated:endurancebrokedown;Irushedtothedoorandshookthelockindesperateeffort.Stepscamerunningalongtheouterpassage;thekeyturned,BessieandAbbotentered.

“MissEyre,areyouill?”saidBessie.

“Whatadreadfulnoise!itwentquitethroughme!”exclaimedAbbot.

“Takemeout!Letmegointothenursery!”wasmycry.

“Whatfor?Areyouhurt?Haveyouseensomething?”againdemandedBessie.

“Oh!Isawalight,andIthoughtaghostwouldcome.”IhadnowgotholdofBessie’sh